Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Recipe: The Concussion Chilli with Rottweiler sauce

Originally posted on Facebook 30/10/12

Regular readers will remember that I promised to slowly release recipies from the 'Real' hairy bikers - i.e. Myself and Mike Farrish.

Today it's the turn of - 'The Concussion Chilli with Rottweiler sauce'

One thing to bear in mind is that although the ingredients and method are (with one fairly major exception) things you will find in the average kitchen, the complete dish takes a total of six months to complete - It can be prepared in advance.

You will need for the chilli: The standard ingredients to make a completely normal chilli - meat, tomato (fresh or tinned), onions, chocolate, herbs and spices, but specifically, and I can't stress this enough, no baby carrots.

You will need for the sauce: one 100lb+ good natured Rottweiler and a high-pressure water supply.

* Take a large pot and make a chilli as per any one of a thousand recipies as can be easily found on the Internet.
* Get slightly drunk and taste the chilli - decide it is nowhere near spicy enough and put in four more whole chillis.
* Get slightly more drunk and taste the chilli - decide it is nowhere near spicy enough and put in four more whole chillis.
* Get really quite drunk and taste the chilli - decide it is nowhere near spicy enough and put in four more whole chillis.
* Drink all the beer that is available and decide that you may as well put in all the chillis that you have in the house.
* Wake up and lift the lid off the chilli pot.
* Stop crying and look around at everyone else in the room with an expression of disbelief and mild panic on your face - as if to say 'I don't know anyone stupid enough to try that'.
* Remember that you do, in fact, know someone - And call your very good, but incedibly gullible, friend (ours was called Steve, but feel free to substitute your own as you see fit).
* Make sure that there is a clear path between the chilli pot and the nearest toilet (this is VERY important).
* Give 'Steve' a fork and ask what he thinks the chilli needs.
* Be completely suprised when he says 'Why have you put baby carrots in it'
* Turn to each other and mouth the words 'Baby Carrots?', then turn around just in time to see a fork with half a dozen whole chillis on it be swallowed whole.
* Congratulate yourself on clearing such a nice path to the toilet.

Now, for the sauce:

Wait six months (Yes, six)
* Have a party at your house on a Saturday night that gets completely out of hand and culminates with everyone becoming unconcious on the sofas, floor, hammock, garden or sideboard (It is important that the Rottweiler is invited, but 'Steve' is not)
* Approxiamtely 10:00 on the Sunday morning, arrange for 'Steve' to burst into the house and yell 'Helloooo' at the top of his voice, in payback for having long-term colonic shock due to the Baby Carrot incident.
* The Rottweiler should now launch himself at the interloper and stick a good 8" of doggy tongue down his throat - In a completely friendly, non-treatening way.
* 'Steve' will recoil from this and grab the first thing that comes to hand to wipe his mouth - You should make sure that this is the blanket that the dog sleeps on, for added gameyness, if you are a connoisseur of such things, it will help if the dog is slightly incontinent.
* Explain to 'Steve' what he has just done, he will make his way at a brisk pace to the kitchen, stumbling over slumbering bodies along the way, whilst trying to hold in his breakfast.

[Interlude] - I should probably explain that the house I was living in at the time had quite high water pressure, to the point where if you held a glass under the cold tap and turned it on full, it would blow the bottom out of the glass - [/Interlude]

* 'Steve' will now hold his head under the cold tap and turn it on full.
* Marvel at what a strange sound the human head makes as it bounces off the rim of a stainless steel sink.
* You now have three choices as to how you wish to finish off the sauce:

1 - Call an ambulance
2 - Continue to laugh until you feel quite sick
3 - Let the dog lick him awake

(We chose a mix of 2 & 3 - but obviously you should let your conscience be your guide)

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