Thursday, 13 February 2014

A shiny tuppence for everyone?

You know something I don't get?

Well, yes, you're right obviously, I'm still not sure that I completely understand how aeroplanes work, or why so few ocean-going liners capsize and are lost with all hands (I was going to put a link to that post too, right up until the point where I realised that I hadn't written it yet)

What I'm currently having trouble 'getting' is... The whole... area of... Ladies intimate topiary...

Now, I'm a child of the sixties, and started my long appreciation of the female form, specifically the female form as displayed in various gentlemen's art pamphlets, such as you may or may not find in the bins behind the newsagents after they had closed on a Thursday evening, during the late 70s and early 80s.

The ladies of the time were, how should I put it? The best word would be 'hirsute' perhaps? Their lady-gardens were guarded by an impenetrable (There's a poor choice of words I suppose, when you think about it.) thicket of tortile fluff that, to my untrained eye, looked as if it would repel all boarders, nautical, piratical or otherwise. (Yes, I appreciate that there's an obvious 'Seaman' joke in there - Feel free to make it yourself - For added pre-pubescent jocularity, may I suggest the addition of the word 'salty' to increase the general mirth quotient.)

But, over the last thirty years or so, the 'acreage' of the female frontal bottom area that is thus covered has slowly reduced, up to the point about ten years ago, when it became fashionable for it to be virtually non-existent. (or so I understand. I myself have been happily married for approximately 15 years, so I am no longer exposed to the frenetic variety of mimsy 'in the wild' that I once was.)

I vowed to find out what was happening and why.  Donning my favourite gaberdine raincoat and picking up one of the microphones that we normally use for playing SingStar (TM) I strode out into the wide world with a badly prepared handful of diagrams - Drawn on little cards for extra authenticity.

Did you know that it only takes two or three resounding slaps around the face to make your cheek feel really sore?

Also, it seems that young ladies find being asked the question, 'Would you mind pointing at the card that contains the feverish Sharpy drawing that most closely resembles your secret special place?' upsetting and impertinent in equal measure. One young lady did in fact examine the cards and go to the trouble of pointing one out.  Unfortunately, as the card in question was a postcard featuring the head of a Bison that I had accidentally picked up in error, I had to abandon that particular test.

I retired to the Internet... Which, as it turns out, is the go-to place if you wish to compare the sleekness of a selection of muliebrital beetle-bonnets and found that there are almost as many reasons to cut-back the grass on the Mound of Venus as there are coiffured leaves on any bush that you care to mention.  It seems a lot of people decide that their choice of beachwear can have an impact on their ventral tonsure... variation in gusset-width and translucency when wet for instance.  Others opine that it is 'Cleaner' and 'Lower Maintenance' when in fact, it seems that many specialists (people who specialise in looking at moustachio'd pudenda - Not just casual hobbyists such as myself) believe that this is not the case, shaving can give you all kinds of icky infections and pustular complaints... Ewww pustules... Doesn't bear thinking about does it?

Then of course there's the sticky situation that you get yourself into when you start taking puberty into account.  Traditionally, that's when the stuff in question appears, usually sometime in the early to mid teens.  It signifies the translation from childhood to (biological at least) adulthood.  So you'd have to question the motive of someone who was trying to turn back that particular clock wouldn't you?  No wonder DJs in the olden-days sometimes got confused.

It's also thought by many that it acts as a kind of 'sponge' that holds pheromones that are produced... Erm... locally... And people who get rid of it are making themselves less attractive to people with a half-decent sense of smell - But, I think that could go either way really, depending on the weather.

The thing that I really don't get is that it seems that the popularity of hair 'down there' for ladies is reducing at about the same rate as the popularity of luxuriant beards for men is increasing.



I think I might have got it...

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Easing myself in gently

Right then, my first Post in two weeks...

I'm going to jump back into it with both feet and an easy hit.  The state of the Dandy Nation for the first bit of 2014.

Hmm... Dandy Nation, the more I say that, the more I like it - Maybe there could be a T-Shirt line in there somewhere... A bit like (or, you might say stolen from) the 1972 David Pelham cover for 'A Clockwork Orange'

Like this:

Feel free to steal this image and post it every-flipping-where

Hasn't this year just flown past? it only seems like seconds seconds that I was was telling the younger members of the Dandy family things like 'No, I'm sorry, we've run out of that size of battery.' and 'Well, if the dog's eaten your Pokemon then you're going to have to wait until it evolves its way out.'

But we're in February already, beset by floods and snow and sinkholes and we're rushing headlong towards Easter and the chocolate coma that we could so easily all drop into, having not fully recovered from eating that entire tin of Roses or Quality Street to ourselves on Boxing Day.

Here we go:

Since the 1st of January, the Blog has had 2,757 views, which is a little down on average, but I guess that I've not posted anything in February at all.  This takes our total pageviews, as of today, the 12th February 2014, to 29,048

(Oh yeah, whilst I remember, a pet peeve of mine... The name of this month is pronounced 'Feh-Brew-Ehry' not 'Feb-You-Ehry'.  And also, You know the sticky black sweet, liquorice? that's pronounced 'Lick-O-Ris' not 'Lick-Er-Rish', just so as you know.)

It's been another world-wide month, with our popularity rising again in Russia.  We seem to be getting popular in The Ukraine now too, in fact after the UK, USA and Russia, they're our number 4 most populace readers, then comes Australia, Canada & Germany, followed by Brazil, France and the plucky little Isle of Man.  We're also starting to get hits from Denmark, Kenya and Hong Kong, which is nice.


The 'Things people have searched for on Google and found the Blog' list has a couple of surprises.  Apart from the normal '' type things, there's been a distinct upsurge of queries involving some of the following words 'Gunzmore, shooting, 14, stepfather, Facebook, rape and virus.' Which, for those who haven't read the post, will be explained later. 'Dzit Dit Gaii translation' is also enjoying a resurgence.  But our newest Google query (In that it's one I've not seen before) is: 'british masturbation blogs/ dandy' - Your guess is as good as mine...


And here's the current Top-Ten chart of Blog posts:

10: You like it when I do what? - This is a 'State of the Dandy Nation' post from October 2013.  Which, as well as detailing the top ten posts, also ruthlessly pimps my last book - Which you can buy from Amazon here *cough* - You could buy the Kindle version instead if you wanted, but that wouldn't help my kids go to University.

9: Like a firm, ripe, peach - A slightly salacious post about 'Mooning', the act of baring one's buttocks in the direction of another person to show a general lack of respect (Caution, includes a description of an event that involves the buttocks of young boys - But I have never, at any time, been a Radio 1 DJ)

8: Priorities - An unusually serious post for The Chimping Dandy that describes the way that my Father told me that he was suffering with inoperable cancer.

7: Today, My Dad died - You can probably get what this one's about from the title - Had some good comments about this one.  Although you should probably know that what I call a good comment, would be something like 'That was difficult to read.'

6: Pogonophilia is for everyone, even the young - I'm so glad that this is still in the Top 10 - Although I understand that that might be because I pimp it every time someone mentions that they like beards on Twitter.

5: Learn to govern yourself, be gentle and patient - This is one of my personal favourites, it details some of the things closest to my heart, anachronism, Radio Four between 18:30 - 19:15, steampunk, bodily fluids and Victorian burial procedures

4: There's one born every minute - This post is the reason for all the Google searches involving the name 'Gunzmore' - It's about those people who share the 'If you like this post, Bill Gates will donate $1 to help this Polar Bear cub to get the plastic surgery he so richly deserves' posts on Facebook, despite knowing full well that it's complete balderdash.

3: Sabian, the Token Yank - More death here I'm afraid... But this time of a long-time friend, rather than a family member.  It does hold the current records for comments though, and bizarrely, it's the only post so far that I've had to delete an offensive comment from.

2: No, it is not a 'Slow News Day' - Now, I don't get this one in the slightest.  This is another 'State of the Dandy Nation' post, this time from September 2013 - There's a top-ten, a list of Google Searches like you'd expect... The only difference is that it gives you details about how you cam get hold of Chimping Dandy 'Merch' from the great people at HashTogs - They're on Facebook if you're interested... Please be interested... It'll make me feel that this isn't all for nothing.

And here we go.

The Blockbuster, the most popular post ever in the history of the Universe!

Destined to stay at number 1 for the foreseeable future:

1: You get me closer to God - Even though I ruthlessly stole the title of this post from the Nine Inch Nails, it's actually a story set in Church, about the time The Micro-Dandy got baptised - This is in the lead by, like, 100 pageviews - People seem to really like this stuff, and I'm not going to complain.  Even I think it's pretty good, and I wrote it.


So, there you go for another month (at least) - Please bear with us, normal service will be resumed in the near future - Maybe I'll do something about James Blunt (Blount) next.

P.S. if you want a higher-resolution version of the 'Dandy Nation' logo to make some stickers to stick on your nearest lamp-post or whatever, drop me an email, and I'll send you one

Please note: sticking anything on lamp-posts could be seen as defacement of property and you might get into trouble - So make sure you do it when it's dark