Friday, 8 February 2013

The Barney Stinson of the animal world

So, following on (kinda) from yesterday's Blog - Bizarre animals and the suspect Gods that create them, I'd like to take a few minutes to talk about my most favourite of these weirdo, throwback, Friday afternoon type animals...

The Pangolin (whom I try not to challenge) specifically the Giant Pangolin of Central Africa.

If you've never heard of the Pangolin, you're not alone, they're not widely advertised, I don't think there have ever been any famous Pangolins. None have ever saved a burning bus, full of children from going over a precipice into the ocean as far as I'm aware.

They're just so Gorram odd!

Firstly, they're a scaled mammal, their scales are made of the same stuff as fingernails and hair (and therefore Rhino-horn - BooYah!), they're also sharp on the edges, and it rolls into a ball when threatened, kinda like a pinecone made of razor blades - Awesome!

Secondly, should you try to threaten a Pangolin and fail, because you are not awesome enough, it will excrete stuff from its butt that smells like skunk spray, but just happens to be acid - ACID? Who thought this up? - Doesn't matter - Awesome!

Thirdly, it walks on its fists, ON... ITS... FISTS... Because it is so hard! - And because its claws are so long and sharp that they make walking difficult - Again - Awesome!

Fourthly, it only eats ants, OK, so that's not so awesome, and it doesn't have any teeth and can't chew... however, it does have a tongue that's over a foot long and covered in glue - And if you don't think that's Awesome, well, obviously you need your head examining by an expensive professional!

It can be mistaken for a house eating alien monster from beyond the stars! In July of 2011, a small village in India saw a Pangolin crawling out of a building that had recently fallen down. Instantly, they decided that it was, and I quote, 'a dangerous and strange animal' and that the best thing they could do would be to tie it up and beat it to death with rocks. Then to prove their bravery, they hung it up (once it was safely dead) and beat it with shoes and then took its picture before cutting it down and dumping it for feral dogs to eat.

Nice... (Please note, this photo has forced perspective, the Pangolin is a lot smaller than it looks)

OK, maybe they do occasionally claw their way through the walls of insubstantially built houses looking for termites, but I mean, who among us can say that they've never done that after a night on the sauce?

Really? Just me then...

I've decided that, to honour this poor animal, I will make a humble Pangolin (whom I have dubbed Seedy) the official mascot of The Chimping Dandy - She will no doubt be gracing the huge range of Chimping Dandy merchandise that will, possibly, soon be available via mail order to selected clients at vastly inflated prices.

All hail the humble Pangolin!  Nature's razor sharp, demolition pinecone of doom!

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