Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Just call me 'Sinestro'

Good Afternoon...

My name's the Chimping Dandy, and I am one of the 10% of the population effected by one of the most under-reported and misunderstood syndromes in the history of Mankind.

I am left-handed.

Now I know that a lot of you will be sat there thinking 'So what? - I had a red tricycle when I was a kid, I really wanted a blue one, but I don't go crying about it on the Internet saying it's some kind of disease' And you'd be right, in the grand scheme of things I've not lost a leg or anything. But you normos (as Righties are often referred to by Lefties) don't appreciate the daily handism, that we have to suffer.

It's not a new thing, it's not one of the things that the modern age can claim to have invented. It started thousands of years ago probably. You all know the word 'Sinister', right? But do you know what it means? Let me save you the trouble of consulting a dictionary:


1. threatening or portending evil, harm, or trouble; ominous: a sinister remark.

2. bad, evil, base, or wicked; fell: his sinister purposes.

3. unfortunate; disastrous; unfavorable: a sinister accident.

4. of or on the left side; left.

Hang on a minute! Just wait one second! - 1.. Yeah, that's what it means, 2.. More of the same, 3.. OK, I get it, no need to ram it home, 4.. Sorry, what? It doesn't stop there, if you look further down the page you get this little gem:

1375–1425; late Middle English (from the) Latin: on the left hand or side, hence unfavorable, injurious

ON THE LEFT HAND - HENCE UNFAVOURABLE? - I should write to my MP! If I thought for a second that it would make a difference.

OK, so not only are all Lefties evil, base and wicked but we can't use scissors properly - Scissors made by the right-handed majority, for themselves, purely to subjugate us! We can't write with ink-pens because our left hands keep smudging it (Why is why, if you look, a lot of lefties will turn the paper through 90 deg and write downwards), Corkscrews and screwdrivers are a bit of a faff, and don't get me started on tin openers!

I was going to search the Internet far and wide to secured some deep, meaningful scientific study of left-handedness, but because I'm threatening and ominous, I decided to just shout 'Buggrit' and check Wikipedia - Look what I found!

Other reported associations that may have decreased evolutionary fitness include shorter adult height, lower weight, puberty at a later age, possibly a shorter life expectancy, increased risk of accidents, increased risk of certain neurological and immunological disorders, and decreased number of children

INCREASED RISK OF ACCIDENTS? - What the actual Frak?

You can picture the scene, you're standing on the platform at the railway station, a Leftie walks up to you, you say 'Good Morning', he offers completely the wrong hand for you to shake, which makes things awkward to start with, then he trips and falls under the 07:53 to Chipping Norton, stopping at Penge, Romney, Hythe and Dymchurch (No refreshment car on this service)

Who knew? according to the fount of all knowledge I should be a tiny, skinny, under-developed in the trouser department, multiple trauma victim with a nervous tic, a runny nose and a single, ginger child called Phillip who wears National Health glasses and has abandonment issues.

Whereas friends and casual observers will know that I am a tall, fat bloke with fully descended testicles (thank you very much) who, despite being heavily scarred and susceptible to colds (due to losing the use of a lung to pneumonia) had to be spayed to avoid spontaneously impregnating people walking past the house!

Well I'll go to the foot of our stairs! as people used to say when the world was in black and white.

But it's not all bad...

Lefties are supposed to be more artistic - I'll give you that one

There are a higher proportion of Lefties in what we generally accept to be the more 'developed' cultures, than in the more 'primitive' ones. (Does that mean that Lefties are the next stage of evolution? - I think it might - Are you ready to open wine bottles for your Sinister Overlords?)

We were even prized historically for being the most effective first wave of footsoldiers to be sent into a recently breached, enemy castle... Why? you ask, well, let me explain: Most spiral staircases in castles go clockwise upwards, giving the advantage to the (usually) right handed defenders, above and causing (usually) right handed attackers to flail about and not be able to give it the old hack, slash and stabby movements because their swords keep banging against the 'hub' of the stairwell - For Lefties, not a problem! - Much hacky-slashy goodness would ensue.

But the most bestest thing about being a Leftie is this little known fact... At birth, all left handed children are given a gift. A sacred present, that is non-transferrable, does not wear out, cannot be sold, traded or removed by force.

You might not believe this.

A lot of people don't

But all Lefties are impervious to Polar Bear attack

No, really, in all of recorded history there has not been one confirmed Polar Bear attack on a left handed person - Google it if you don't believe me (you might not want to Google it too closely in fairness)

This is because all polar bears, or at least those that have been studied, are Lefties and they can recognise this 'handedness' in others, by scent - They treat you as an honourary Polar Bear, which is why you might not want to visit the Arctic Circle in mating season unles you're VERY broadminded.

Anyway, to sum up, being a Leftie is a bit debilitating sometimes, but we're not disabled, we don't want your sympathy, we just want to be left alone to live our lives in peace, away from the finger-pointing and the chanting.

Until we become the majority of course, and we invade your cities on our Polar Bear mounts... And then you're all stuffed, sorry!

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