My Interview with iBazinga Magazine

A few weeks ago, I was approached by absolutely nobody, and asked if, as I was a rising star of the Internet, who regularly attracts double-figure numbers of page hits on his Blog, quite literally, almost every day, I would like to do an interview for a completely ficticious Technology Magazine called iBazinga.

At first I refused, partly because I am, by nature, a very private soul and do not like to talk about myself, but mostly it's because the magazine doesn't exist and it was just the voices in my head making me the offer, which is better than the normal 'Burn this, the duct-tape will quiet her filty noise' style advice I normally get from them.

So, on a rainy Wednesday, in the past, I didn't find myself in a suite on the 30th floor of the Park Lane Hilton, in London, talking to a made-up journalist about myself.

-oOo-

So, Mr Dandy, thank you for agreeing to this interview, I'm sure a lot of our readers would like to know a little bit about the man behind the T-Shirt with the amusing Pangolin motif.

Well, thank you Brian, may I call you Brian?

 
My name's actually Tracy...

Righty-ho, so, Brian, I'm glad that you asked me that, it's nice for me to finally get to set the record straight. I mean, there are people out there who think I'm just a megalomaniac with a God complex who somehow thinks that his opinions are more important than anyone else's.

 
I'm sure nobody thinks that, all of our readers who bothered to send questions in were generally very complimentary about your writing style, and didn't find it to be syrupy self-aggrandizement at all.

Ah, good, you say that people sent in questions? For me? How very lovely.

 
Yes indeed, we have one here from Michael Stibberly in Kuwait. 'Do you have a big family?'

Big? No, not really big as such, There's the Wife, Mrs Dandy, my Daughter, the MiniDandy - who has her own Blog, my Son, who has asked for his name to be witheld because it might impact his scrap metal and drive tarmacing business, my pigeon shattering Father and very occasionally the Ghost of my Dead Mother, who may, or may not, be scared of the Hoover. We've also got family who live on a little island in the Med and still more, just around the corner. Actually I guess it is a fairly sizeable brood.

 
Miss Sybil Von Daniken of Poole in Dorset writes 'You speak of GodS all the time, rather than God, the Saviour, The Father, The One True God... Did you know that you are going to Hell and will spend eternity in torment, pursued by Satan's imps with their constantly stabbing pitchforks?'

Nope, I think I'll be fine. I'm all about the whole Supreme Being idea, but whether that Being is the Judeo-Christian God, a Bowl of Spaghetti & Meatballs or a bunch of guys with oversized heads wearing a lovely tinfoil ensemble designed by some 'Space' Vivienne Westwood then that's OK with me. I mean, imagine the feeling when you get up to Heaven and there are as many Gods as there are people, and we've all got one each.

 
Marion D'la Plume D'ma Tante asks, 'We all know that you are something of an IT Guru, but have you ever done anything else?'

Funny you should ask that, I was talking to one of my ex customers only a few months back, I have spent time as a licensed Door Supervisor, a Fetish Model and a card-carrying Superhero - I'll leave it to your imagination as to exactly which one the person was a customer of. And I've recently also become a published Author.

 
A quick one from Simon Whatstandwell all the way from Rutherford, New Joisey. 'Do you really think that Pandas are the next big worry, greater than global warming, greater than Earth being hit by a comet, meterorite or alien spacecraft full of marauding, Oh, I don't know, flesh eating... Ermm.. Cats with spiky helmets?' - I'm sorry, I think that that question might have gotten away from the asker there a little bit!

That's fine Brian, it happens to me all the time! - Yes, I seriously believe that Pandas are the furry mammal equivalent of the Communist sleeper cell. At a pre-arranged time, they will rise up, take control, and subjugate mankind under their little part-formed thumbs. It'll be quick, bloody, and the cupcake shops with probably fall first. And just for completeness, I believe that all cats have spiky helmets.

 
Yes... Quite... Only a couple more questions, and then we can let you go. We received this one, written in crayon, which is very odd when you consider that it was sent by email, it is signed, but the signature is sadly illegible. Going by the address of the sender, it comes from Frankie.D'Souza@HouseOfLords.gov.uk and reads 'When you is growing up and stuff, who is it you wanna be, like, innit?'


Ah, little Frankie, I remember her well, Beautiful plumage... In recent times I have come to realise that the person I want to be when I grow up is me, but with a lot more cash, and some pet killer whales. But when I was but a young slip of a Dandy, and Chimping was the furthest thing from my mind, I wanted to be Martin Shaw off of Judge John Deed.

 
And finally, Cyril, Haha! Francoise Goebbels from the lovely province of Alberta in Canadiashire has asked the question that is on the tip of everyone's tongue, 'Dandy, how did you, mild mannered IT professional by day, pay as you go doppelganger and haddock worrier by night, become the Chimping Dandy.'

Brian, Brain, Brian... It's a well known fact that secret identities are secret for a reason, they protect the families and loved ones of the... erm... person who has decided to have a secret identity, for which I'm sure there is a proper noun. So, I have changed the names, crossed the 'I's and dotted the 'T's to make sure that the story is as safe as I can possibly make it. I can't be held responsible, well, for anything really, as I'm a bit infantile, but mostly I can't be held responsible for any personal harm that may befall you if you read.... The Origin of The Chimping Dandy.

 
Well, that was informative, thank you very much Mr Dandy, we'll be sure to let you know when the interview is published. The readers of iBazinga magazine thank you and hope you a long and happy Blogging experience.

-oOo-

And that's where the interview ended, I looked around and realised that I wasn't actually in a suite, on a non-existant floor of the tallest hotel in London, I was lying on the carpet, in the lounge, with a trickle of Irn Bru coming out of my nose and a very puzzled looking cat breathing its fishy breath into my mouth and licking my teeth.

Another normal day at Dandy Towers, I'm sure you'll agree. Enjoy your weekend, and if you do something exciting, don't forget to tell me about it - It could make you famous.


Yes, I realise you've seen all this stuff before, think of it as the Mid-Season Clip Show - If it's good enough for NBC then it's good enough for you lot.

Do you like boobs?

Afternoon Bloggerinos... after yesterday's tardiness, I thought I'd better get this beggar out on time - can't have the daily page hits dropping any more than they have already!

-oOo-

I was sat in the reading room of Dandy Towers this morning, you know, the one with the shower, handbasin and the porcelain seat with the hole in the middle? I was catching up on one of my most favourite websites in all the world - The Chive - For those of you who haven't seen it, it's one of those sites that collect photos from the Interweb, or user submissions, sorts them into themes and display them for your pleasure in easy to digest chunks.

The themes tend to be of the 'Scantily clad ladies from the front', 'Scantily clad ladies from the rear', 'How ingenuity pays off in the long run' and 'How awesome is that?' variety - Actually, I'm selling it short, I've never met anyone who's seen it that hasn't become instantly addicted. I'm reliably informed by the MiniDandy that there's a girls version, with shoes and cake and topless men on it... It's called The Berry. (They also do a lot of great work for charity - And it's run by John Rezig, the guy who played Deputy Kevin Ellis in True Blood - What's not to like?)

Take a moment to go and look at these places now, I don't mind...

OK, everyone back? - That took longer than I expected, never leave me again, I was worried!

Right, so, I was looking at a thread called Daily Afternoon Randomness (Which all the cool kids call The DAR) and I came across a new (possibly made up) word - I'd like to teach it to you, because I feel I'm not just here to entertain - I like to be educational too...

SonderThe realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own — populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness — an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

Sonder... Try and work it into a conversation today, it'll make you sound sexy, like me.

Now, that made me think, that maybe it's not just me after all - I really hope it's not, because it would mean that I'm a rampaging megalomaniac - But, when I look at people passing by I've sometimes thought, 'Those people's lives can't be anywhere near as complicated as mine - I mean, if everyone's was there'd be people exploding left, right and centre with the stress!'

For that word, made up or not, to exist - There must be other people who feel like that on a more or less regular basis.

Yeah, not just me... That's a real comfort.

I am though, as most of you know, what a lot of people might call 'a wind-up merchant'. I often say and do things purely for the devilment value, people getting red-face and foaming at the mouth are my Veuve Clicquot and souffleed wombat. All this Sonder business reminded me of a heated discussion I once had with one of my Sister-in-Laws (both of whom I love, sororally, very much).

We were sat in a little lego house in Luton (Bedfordshire, UK) in the mid to late 90's, it was the early hours of Saturday morning, we had all had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much to drink and were talking rubbish. I think the topic had moved through several subjects... Freemasonry, Eugenics, Religion, Politics, Jingoism, Immigration, The National Health Service - You know, the stuff you really shouldn't talk about if you are opinionated, or drunk, or both.

I can't remember much of the actual details if I'm being completely honest, although I do have a vague vision of my Sister-in-law, pointing at me across the table and saying:

'So, let me get this straight... You honestly believe that you're the only person who actually exists, and we're figments of your imagination, just here to make your life interesting?'

'Exactly!'

'That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard!'

'I doubt that..'

'There's no way you could possibly think that was true!'

'I do,'

'But I've got my own thoughts, I live my own life.'

'Nope, you only think you do, it makes you seem more believable, therefore more entertaining to me.'

Then she exploded!*

I seem to remember that it was around this time that Mrs Dandy decided it would be better if we all got some sleep, which on the whole was probably the right move.

I wish I'd thought at the time to note that idea down, I could have written a screen-play, called it 'The solid matter in which a fossil or crystal is embedded' or 'A specific rectangular array of numbers or algebraic quantities subject to mathematical operations'

Note to self: Really need to work on my screenplay titles, need to be shorter and snappier.

Anywho, enjoy the rest of your day, browse The Chive / The Berry and K.C.C.O. Dudes!


*Katie, if my brother is reading this to you, whilst you sit by the pool, in your villa, in the Mediterranean sunshine, I'd say that you were probably right, I was wrong. And sorry for being a complete Knobhead.