Monday, 14 November 2016

Women are brilliant! Literally, the sweetest thing

As we’ve probably discussed on many, many occasions before today… I love women. I think they’re bloody wonderful. No really – It might not be politically correct this week, it might have been decided over the weekend that using a word only containing the letters ‘W’, ‘O’, ‘M’, ‘N’ with an ‘E’ or an ‘A’ banged in near the end is misogynistic, or that you’re not allowed to use it as a massively descriptive epithet unless you have the open-plan reproductive plumbing that so traditionally identifies one as a woman.

But, in general – Absolutely brilliant.  Pretty much every one of us had had intimate contact with one at some point in their life (In some cases this can only been guaranteed around the first breath or so, whether you were squeezed or sliced out. But still…) – the same cannot be said about men – No matter how close you were to your Father – Not that I’m judging, it’s not my place.

There are, in my personal opinion at least, as many different kinds of women as there are women.  I know confident women, and ones who are very much less so. I know women who embrace classicism and strain to be at the upper limits of perceived physical beauty at all times, and I know ones who wear their onesies to ASDA/Walmart. I know award-winning female teachers and scientists and I know women who clean other people’s toilets and still manage to run a household with less energy than I expend changing my socks.  I know women who take off their clothes for money and fame. And I know ones are deathly embarrassed about going to the doctors with ‘Mimsy Issues’. I know women who front successful rock bands and I know women who married a lead guitarist.  I know women who drive Artic-trucks and eat Yorkies, or ride motorcycles and wear leather.

I know women who like me, and women that don’t.

I know… Well, knew… Women who gave their lives for the good of others, and I’ve known women who had their lives unfairly snatched from them by disease or thoughtless accidents.   I’ve experienced unbelievable selflessness from women, and I’d be wrong to say that I’d not experienced selfishness. They’re human after all you know.

What I’m trying to say is this… The people I’ve described in this are just people I actually know, people I’ve actually met and interacted with in some way in real life.  They’re not famous people (well, some of them are I suppose, when you think about it, in certain circles.) they’re real people, the type of people you’d find behind every front door in the world. (In the countries that traditionally have front doors that is, before you start) I know these people… And I’m a nobody in the grand scheme of things.  Imagine if I cast my woman net into a wider sea? If I included all the women that currently exist – What type of woman could I identify then?

Women who’ve gone to space, women who’ve raised huge families and fought against adversity, women who’ve survived (and fought in) immoral and illegal wars.  World leaders, farmers, members of law enforcement and rescue services. Sports personalities, Entertainment stars… The list is, quite literally, endless – The number of things that men can do, but women physically or mentally cannot do is bordering on non-existent.

So, bearing all this in mind…

Why did the women’s periodical ‘Glamour’ magazine, in its ‘Ten most influential women of the year 2016’ list, included a ‘ringer’? OK, last year, they declared Caitlyn Jenner Woman of the year – Which caused something of a furore as you might remember.  I have no real feelings on this to be honest, other than knowing for sure, in my heart of hearts, that that’s not how you bloody spell the name Kaitlin. Wait. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though, here’s the list:
  • Gwen Stefani – Singer, Clothes designer, Mother to children whose names would make a Shoreditch childminder salivate uncontrollably and most importantly, woman
  • Simone Biles – (Although the Glamour website calls her Simon) Olympian, Gymnast, soon to be Writer… Also a woman
  • Patrisse Cullors, Alicia Garza, and Opal Tometi - the Founders of Black Lives Matter *cough* women, all of them *cough*
  • Ashley Graham – Plus-Size model and Body Activist… See if you can take on punt on her sex – It’s not a trick question.
  • Christine Lagarde – The first female Finance Minister of France
  • Nadia Murad – ISIS survivor and Human Rights Activist
  • Miuccia Prada – You all know PRADA right? Yeah, all her idea
  • Zendaya – A mega-Instagrammer with 32 Million followers (Who I admit to never having heard of) She’s an Anti-Bullying advocate and soon to be Movie Star
  • “Emily Doe” – The girl who was savagely raped by Stanford Rapist Brock Turner as she lay unconscious behind a dumpster.

A shining list, I’m sure you’ll agree, I can see why all of those women have been named and I understand the reasoning behind it… But if you count, there are only nine names there. The tenth, I don’t get… I mean I appreciate it’s advertising, and that’s the kind of world we live in and innovation requires change… But… Well, I’m just going to come out and say it.

The tenth name, on the ‘Ten most influential women list’… And I shit you not loyal readers…


Bono, off of U2 – Now, I know that he single-handedly cured world hunger, and I know he once chartered a plane to bring his hat (or a pair of sunglasses or something equally meaningless) to a gig because he’d forgotted it and he was having some sort of self-righteous panic attack. And I know that he… Erm… He… To be honest, apart from him influencing the popularity of bug-eye sunglasses, I don’t know or care that much about him. I mean he’s done a lot for AIDS research, and he’s raised pots of cash and all but as far as I know, he still has a (and is regarded by many people as a massive) penis… He doesn’t even identify as a woman… He’s a man, a bloke, a geezer – If he wanted to be a woman he’d have to squeeze his nadgers between his thighs like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs (or pretty much every boy in the changing rooms at school)

He’s not a woman!

He can’t be a Woman of the Year (OK, in his entry in the list it says ‘Man of the Year’, but the list itself is actually called ‘Women of the Year’)

Dear Gods, I’m a middle-aged heterosexual white male whose first language is English – I literally embody the patriarchy - And even I think this is mental... Am I just not getting it?
Am I too 'Mainstream'? What do you guys think?

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