Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Your starter for ten...

I watched the end of University Challenge last night (Stop laughing at the back, I sometimes answer as many as half a dozen questions... Sometimes - And I say 'Oh, of course it was,' many times, after the question has been answered) and whilst I was not exactly 'upset' about forgetting it was on, I certainly wished that I'd Sky+'d it because it would have provided a pretty endless stream of material for the Blog.

For those of you of a foreign disposition, University Challenge is a quiz program that pits two teams of  four university students against each other in an action-packed trial by combat / Fight to the death.  Bizarrely, one team sits directly over the other, (Sort of Hollywood Squares style for our American readers) and this leads to a plethora of bodily fluid related shenanigans. Where the 'top' team tries to put off the 'bottom' team by trying to convince them that it's raining.

As you can see in the still from the final episode of the original 1987 series, the northern universities (In this case Scumbag College, from the University of Sunderland) were often given the top row to handicap their southern opponents and obvious intellectual masters, (In this case, Footlights College, from Cambridge University) a nod to political correctness, empowerment and the provision of effective affordable education for all.  You'll notice however that there are no racial minorities represented, as this was the BBC and racial minorities were only allowed in comedy programming at the time.

Anywho, back to the episode in question. if I remember correctly, last night's show was between two Cambridge Colleges, I forget which ones, and it really doesn't matter if I'm being honest.  But there was this one chap, sat in the top-left hand corner, all alone and unloved, like the last brace of over-hung partridge in a recently repossessed butcher's shop during the Easter Holidays.  He had everything going for him that a modern male university student could wish for.  His head was, as Mike Myers once opined, 'Like an orange on a toothpick', his ears could, completely unaided, pick up Danish pornography from a badly positioned satellite floating over the opposite hemisphere of the planet and you could tell that, every time the announcer said his name, expecting him to answer a question, he copiously soiled himself.  He was that over-educated that when he purposely mis-pronounced things with such faltering confidence, It made me question whether I had been saying these things wrong for all these years.

And I remember thinking, 'That boy has never, and probably will never see, never mind put his over-sucked thumb on, a real, live naked member of his chosen distaff sex... Not without a truly staggering sum of money changing hands first at least.

So I got to thinking, because I'm notorious for thinking about things that other people, quite rightly, choose not to. 'I wonder what he does to release his tension? How does he let loose his undergraduate tadpoles? What possible thing could he think about whilst polishing his barking trombone?'

Obviously, as one does, my mind turned to paraphilia. which, as you probably know, is the word for getting aroused by things that are... How should I put it?... atypical, unusual, and downright odd - (But who am I to judge, right? To this day I'm not allowed to buy toilet brushes without being accompanied by a responsible adult) It seems that this is such a common condition, that there are different names for the different ways that these people like to get their freak on, as Missy Elliot might say.  They include, but are not limited to:

Agalmatophilia - Having an attraction to things like statues and shop mannequins, sufferers of this tend to steer clear of sculpture gardens during busy periods and cannot walk past John Lewis' at Christmas without their eyes rolling back into their heads.

Autagonistophilia - To derive carnal pleasure by appearing on stage or camera, often called 'Chronic Ant & Dec Syndrome'

Autoandrophilia - A heterosexual person of the female gender enjoying her special alone time by imagining that she is male.  So presumably claiming that the referee is blind, urinating all over the toilet floor, breaking wind from both ends simultaneously and giving herself a round of applause after the event is successfully concluded.

Autogynephilia - The polar opposite of the above, which often consists of a lorry driver called Brian from Wigan, holding a delicate glass of Chardonnay in one hand, desperately trying not to spill it on the new carpet whilst he reads the good bits of a Jilly Cooper novel and has a good, hard, think about some firemen.  Then cutting it depressingly short when he realises that he has to pick the kids up from school in ten minutes.

Autoplushophilia - Imagining ones-self as an animal, or a plush, or stuffed toy.  It seems that we finally know what the Fox says... In this case, 'Yes... Yes... Oh God... Yes... Oh, I'm so sorry, that's never happened before.'

Frotteurism - To rub yourself against a stranger... So, pretty much every tube journey I have ever taken, ever. And the reason I am on first name terms with a number of members of the British Transport Police.

Macrophilia - Having thoughts about inappropriate relationships with Giants.  Which is the main cause of men in gaberdine overcoats getting thrown out of the Fairy Tales section of bookshops, it renders any imprint of the famous British Folktale 'Jack and the Beanstalk' virtually unreadable, especially if it's printed on those thick cardboard pages... Very absorbent, thick cardboard pages are you know.

Mechanophilia - Now this is the one that tends to make its way into the gutter press with some regularity.  Popularised by a Roger Taylor track on the 1975 Queen album 'A Night at the Opera.' It's about people who are in physical love with their cars.  Well, honestly, who can blame them, a warm, welcoming exhaust pipe and all that - Who amongst us can say that they've never been tempted by that? Not at all helped by the 2003 Renault Megan advert.

Oculolinctus - Pleasuring yourself whilst thinking about, or actually, licking someone's eyeballs... And that's quite enough about that thank you very much.

Toxophilia - Arousal from, or during, the act of archery.  Well, presumably it gives you something to lean your arrows against, should you be of the male gender.

And finally (Yes, I know it's strictly out of alphabetical order, but I wanted to finish on this one, so ner!)

Pogonophilia - The completely reasonable sexual attraction towards men with beards Every woman has this, some of them just don't know it yet...

Stay classy my Chimping Dandyites,  remember, if you are touched by any of the issues raised in this Blog, please feel free to contact me at the normal address, especially if you have photographic or video evidence

(Unless it's about Oculolinctus... Then, Just... No...)

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