Thursday, 6 December 2012

But, if'n I wasn't me

Even the most content of us must have sometimes thought 'I wish I had that' or 'I wish I could do that' mustn't we?

I know I have, jealousy is the engine of aspiration is it not? If we were completely happy with what we had, why would we ever try to better ourselves?

But have you ever thought 'I wish I was him (or Her - Delete as neccesary).'? Meaning that you could actually sit inside their head like a phantom marmoset and experience what they experienced, get the adulation that was meant for them but you so richly deserve. Go to the right parties, get invited to the grand openings, have intimate knowledge of the right, if slightly underweight, supermodels?


Really? It can't be just me surely... Bugger!

OK, I guess it's declaration time, I'll do that thing that they make you do at your first AA meeting (or so I've heard)...

My name's The Chimping Dandy, and when I was ten years old, I wanted to be Martin Shaw! You know, out of The Professionals
With Lewis Collins and the butler dude from Upstairs Downstairs. I swear, if you looked up the word 'Man' in a dictionary, in 1978 there would be a picture of Martin Shaw, naked to the waist, with an RPG in one hand, a half-eaten side of beef in the other and a simpering blonde curled around his feet looking up at him adoringly.
There was nothing Shaw couldn't do, he could kick his way through doors, slide over the bonnets (hoods) of 3.0s Ford Capris, kick, punch, spit and everything else that the modern (70's) man needed to be able to do.

He was a Gerd (as in ErmaGerd!) and I may have modelled my image on him for longer than was strictly neccesary. In fact, I remember a school art project where we were asked to draw a self-portrait over the holidays, and my art teacher said 'It's very good, but I didn't ask you to draw Martin Shaw' - I was also still wearing fake leather jackets and Loon Pants / Bell Bottoms well into the 80's - Which, with hindsight, could have been one of the things that crimped my chances with more fashion concious girls, or girls in general for that matter, Although...

It wore off of course, as these things so often do... I mean it's not completely gone, I don't think you can ever truly forget the first person who you wanted to go all 'Single White Female' on. Occasionally, I catch an episode of Judge John Deed, look longingly at his full head of hair and a tear comes to my eye.

I've grown out of all that now of course, one puts away Childlike things doesn't one?

Although, thinking about it, I reckon wi' a bit o' practice, ah could get clurse t' Guy Martin's accent... Aye, grew aht me sidebons, put on t' boil'rsuit - Aye, that's reet nice, When's next bert f' th' Isle o' Mann? - Smart as Y' lake.


  1. I knew a guy, blond, 3 litre Capri, bells and whistles - Narcissus I think his name was - ditched him for a real person. Hey ho, stuff happens...

  2. My name is Pete, and for the longest time I truly believed I could be Major Steve Austin, The Bionic/6 million dollar Man...then I wanted to be the Fall Guy, Jesse Mach, and Michael Knight. I realised of course that I just wanted to be a B-List American TV Hero. I've since frown up and all I want in the world is a Darth Vader Suit...I've grown up a lot!