It's all Tripe!

Some of you might remember that back in April (2015) I had the great fortune to win in the Alternative Blog Awards – I think I might have mentioned it in passing once, maybe twice tops?

I didn’t win the entire thing, obviously, but I did win in one of the categories that I was nominated in (Which yet again, is something that I don’t have in common with Leonardo Dicaprio) – It seems that you lot, or at least those of you who felt empowered enough to vote, thought I was the ‘Wordiest Blogger’ in the whole wide… Actually, I’m not sure if it was a global competition… It may have just been country-wide – Or perhaps just in my own fevered imagination – But for now, I’m going to go with World-wide, because you lot can’t prove otherwise, and my version of the truth is pretty much anything that you can’t disprove without some effort (Something I do have in common with the Conservative Party).

A lot of people asked what I had won, apart from the undying love of many, many loyal fans and the respect of my peers.  Those same people looked at me a little oddly when I told them that I’d received lifetime membership of ‘The Tripe Club’ – Which is sort of the fun, social-media savvy, young and sexy arm of the UK based Tripe Marketing Board.

(If a board can, in fact, have young and sexy arms)

What is tripe? I hear you ask, somewhat tentatively – With a screwed up nose, because you think you already know.  Well, it’s the stomach lining of an animal, most often a cow, that’s been removed (obviously) then bleached and part-cooked, before being sold to you, the consumer to... erm… cook again, and then consume, often with boiled onions, white sauce and mashed potato (which makes it look more like the 1950’s as you are actually eating a meal in black and white), or just pepper and vinegar possibly – I don’t know, you’re a funny old lot when it comes down to it. 

I must admit that I thought, when I first won the award (Did you know I won an award? – I’m an award-winner you know, Like Michael Winner and/or Stephen Fry – For those interested in plaudits, I once briefly but simultaneously held the top three places in Amazon’s Best-seller list with my three books, in the humour essays subdivision anyways. So, award-winning, best-seller would probably be a better epithet for me methinks.) that it was all a bit Framley Examiner, a bit The Onion – After all, it’s patron is David “Bumble” Lloyd, Ex-England Cricketer and fellow left-hander, and the Honorary President is the hugely famous Opera Singer and BBC Radio personality Martin McEvoy (I am sadly unsure as to his handedness)

It’s Chairman? For as you know every Board requires a Chairman, is none other than LA Times Interviewee and friend of the downtrodden, Sir Norman Wrassle. He’s a stern but fair Chairman who bears a passing resemblance to a dead Swedish Politician in a certain light, with a following wind.  And he follows me on Twitter, because he is the epitome of class and good sense…

Obviously, I am now convinced that this salubrious institution is completely serious and above-board and you should all immediately become members.  Membership is available via Their website, or by contacting them on Twitter, or for you Londoners, you can attend the Theatre Royal Drury Lane on the Evening of 7th September and join them in person – I am in two minds whether to go to this no-doubt fabulous and star-studded affair, as it’s a bit expensive to get a train down to the Smoke, and it’s a long time until payday.

Sadly, the membership number you will be issued will be higher than mine… Do you know why?

Muhahahahahaha!

If you would like any more information, or if you have been effected by any of the issues discussed in this blog, please leave a message in the comments and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can… I’d have thought

As the Tripe Marketing Board say themselves – 

TRIPE. YESTERDAY’S FOOD. TODAY.

And you thought I was famous before!

Hey everyone, thanks for stopping by.

I know it’s Monday and everything, and the weather guy says that it’s the last bit of decent weather we’re going to get until Judgement Day (That’s the religious one, not the Terminator one – Although saying that…) due to some Arctic ‘Ice Plume’ or something that’s going to cause widespread ice-ages and polar bears wandering around the beaches of Southern Florida wearing Macklemore style overcoats and asking people to turn the A/C off.  But I’m in an OK mood.

Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t perfect... I mean, I only won £3 on the lottery this weekend and payday’s still almost a week away.  I had a pretty good weekend, it was the MicroDandy’s birthday weekend in fact.  We played mini-golf and ate sushi – We also saw The Avengers: Age of Ultron (Which is a great film, if you’re a nine-year-old, like I am)

But the best thing that happened to me, personally, apart from enjoying the adorable sound of my youngest child enjoying himself (Which I am in no way contractually obliged to say… *cough*) was receiving an IM which said, and I quote:

‘Did you check the blog yet today?’

It was from a Twitter friend of mine – One of those people whom I’ve never met, but talk to/about regularly, called, @tattooed_mummy – You should follow her, in fact, treat this as a #FridayFollow – But… uh… on, like… a Monday.  She’s the sort of person that comes to mind when you hear someone say the word ‘Blogger’ on the news.  She does product testing for real companies and ‘Mum stuff’ and she’s an official live-blogger for Camp Bestival and she wins iPads from popular retailers by saying clever things to their advertising departments.  Also she seems to have gone all ‘afroth’ about Poldark and her Twitter feed is full of pictures of Aiden Turner with no shirt on at the moment – Make of that what you will.

Another thing she does, is run, via her Blog ‘Tattooed Mummy’s Randoms’ (www.tattooedmummy.co.uk) The ‘Alternative Blog Awards’ This year, I was honoured enough to be nominated (by real, live, members of the public, probably) in not one, but two categories: ‘Wordy Blogger’ – An award for bloggers who use fifteen words in any situation where three would normally do, and ‘The Slacker Award’ – for bloggers who have recently lapsed in their previous output volume… Which I guess I can’t really disagree with.

And see if you can guess what happened?

I WON! – And also lost, but more of that later… I won the award for ‘Wordy Blogger’ – I was voted, possibly by one or many of you wonderful people, as the alternative blogger most likely to drown you in sheer volume of words… Which was nice… It made me very happy indeed… And I made my entire family preface every reference to me with ‘The Award Winning…’ for the entire weekend.  So, instead of my wife asking me if I’d like a cup of tea, I would force her to ask “Would the Award Winning Chimping Dandy like a cup of tea?” – Which seemingly got real old, real fast...

You normal people are hard to work out sometimes.

Anywho, I’m sure Tattooed Mummy won’t mind if I shared all the other worthy winners with you scabrous lot…

Under 16 category
The winner is https://spacebunker.wordpress.com A 15 year old with a dream of becoming an astronautical engineer.

Blogger you'd most like to take home 
Well of course there were lots of great bloggers suggested but this one stole your hearts, yes, it’s the friendly MotherScuffer at http://motherhoodjourneys.com/ (We like MotherScuffer, her life could so easily be transformed into a 70's sitcom, or gritty Alan Bennett/Bleasdale style play - She was also mentioned at the end of THIS BLOG POST which was quite popular)

Funniest 
Based on urine output of readers goes to http://www.bigfashionista.co.uk who has mostly been ranting lately but still managing to keep it witty.

Slacker 
Goes to http://claraunravelled.co.uk who needs to up her game by the sound of it, have a read, comment, nag her. (This is a total swiz, I should have won this one easily, I've not blogged for months!)

Wordy Blogger
The well-deserved http://thechimpingdandy.blogspot.com who does indeed waffle a bit <-- This is me, in case you hadn’t noticed, because I am mostly very excellent.

Unmissable 
The very worthy winner (again) is the super MotherScuffer at http://motherhoodjourneys.com - a perfectly lovely blog, full of the ups and downs of life.

Blogger who should know better 
This award won by http://fudgecrumpet.com though I doubt he will learn from this.

-oOo-

Yes, I agree that I should have pretty much swept the board (except, perhaps the under sixteen category – There’s only so much Oil of Olay will do for you) – But one’s better than none, as they say.

You should definitely take a look at all of these blogs, they’re funny, strange, informative, maudlin and thought provoking in equal measure.

They say you can gauge your success by the quality of your peers… So, all in all, I must be pretty bloody splendid to be surrounded by that lot – But you all already knew that, right?

-oOo-

What? Sorry? You want to know if I won anything?   Well, to be honest it’s more the general cachet of winning an award, it’s not about the actual statue, or the certificate, or the VIP ticket to the clothing-optional massage emporium, it’s the…

Erm… OK...

I won (I assume a year’s) membership of ‘The Tripe Club’ – The Tripe Marketing Board’s membership organisation. I’ll wear my badge proudly.

(They follow me on Twitter now, you know)