It's all Tripe!

Some of you might remember that back in April (2015) I had the great fortune to win in the Alternative Blog Awards – I think I might have mentioned it in passing once, maybe twice tops?

I didn’t win the entire thing, obviously, but I did win in one of the categories that I was nominated in (Which yet again, is something that I don’t have in common with Leonardo Dicaprio) – It seems that you lot, or at least those of you who felt empowered enough to vote, thought I was the ‘Wordiest Blogger’ in the whole wide… Actually, I’m not sure if it was a global competition… It may have just been country-wide – Or perhaps just in my own fevered imagination – But for now, I’m going to go with World-wide, because you lot can’t prove otherwise, and my version of the truth is pretty much anything that you can’t disprove without some effort (Something I do have in common with the Conservative Party).

A lot of people asked what I had won, apart from the undying love of many, many loyal fans and the respect of my peers.  Those same people looked at me a little oddly when I told them that I’d received lifetime membership of ‘The Tripe Club’ – Which is sort of the fun, social-media savvy, young and sexy arm of the UK based Tripe Marketing Board.

(If a board can, in fact, have young and sexy arms)

What is tripe? I hear you ask, somewhat tentatively – With a screwed up nose, because you think you already know.  Well, it’s the stomach lining of an animal, most often a cow, that’s been removed (obviously) then bleached and part-cooked, before being sold to you, the consumer to... erm… cook again, and then consume, often with boiled onions, white sauce and mashed potato (which makes it look more like the 1950’s as you are actually eating a meal in black and white), or just pepper and vinegar possibly – I don’t know, you’re a funny old lot when it comes down to it. 

I must admit that I thought, when I first won the award (Did you know I won an award? – I’m an award-winner you know, Like Michael Winner and/or Stephen Fry – For those interested in plaudits, I once briefly but simultaneously held the top three places in Amazon’s Best-seller list with my three books, in the humour essays subdivision anyways. So, award-winning, best-seller would probably be a better epithet for me methinks.) that it was all a bit Framley Examiner, a bit The Onion – After all, it’s patron is David “Bumble” Lloyd, Ex-England Cricketer and fellow left-hander, and the Honorary President is the hugely famous Opera Singer and BBC Radio personality Martin McEvoy (I am sadly unsure as to his handedness)

It’s Chairman? For as you know every Board requires a Chairman, is none other than LA Times Interviewee and friend of the downtrodden, Sir Norman Wrassle. He’s a stern but fair Chairman who bears a passing resemblance to a dead Swedish Politician in a certain light, with a following wind.  And he follows me on Twitter, because he is the epitome of class and good sense…

Obviously, I am now convinced that this salubrious institution is completely serious and above-board and you should all immediately become members.  Membership is available via Their website, or by contacting them on Twitter, or for you Londoners, you can attend the Theatre Royal Drury Lane on the Evening of 7th September and join them in person – I am in two minds whether to go to this no-doubt fabulous and star-studded affair, as it’s a bit expensive to get a train down to the Smoke, and it’s a long time until payday.

Sadly, the membership number you will be issued will be higher than mine… Do you know why?

Muhahahahahaha!

If you would like any more information, or if you have been effected by any of the issues discussed in this blog, please leave a message in the comments and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can… I’d have thought

As the Tripe Marketing Board say themselves – 

TRIPE. YESTERDAY’S FOOD. TODAY.

All together now

It's amazing isn't it, this blogging thing?  You can type what you like and within minutes, it's available to be viewed by people all over the free world.

Which is pretty scary when you think about it.  I mean, I can type, oh, I don't know... This:

The boy stood on the burning deck,
He didn't miss a trick.
The Captain of the ship appeared,
and kicked him in the... shin.

And within seconds, people in France, Poland, China and Cyprus are reading it.

(Ah, crap! Yeah - And in the Ukraine too, did I mention I'm very big in the Ukraine?)

Now, at best, that's meaningless - At worst it's the ugliest borderline doggerel since that piano fell on Lord Byron halfway through the last canto of Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, causing him to write:

"And thou, dread Statue, yet existent in... Oh! you bleedin' clot, get this piano off my foot!"

(You can actually read this line in the original manuscript, it's just between the splat of a fried egg and a suspicious stain that looks a lot like Vimto.)

Anywho, where was I?  Oh, yes.

Blogs, and bloggers.  There are an unusal amount of people out there who think that their opinions and experiences will be of interest to the hoi-polloy.  I'm one of them, obviously I've had an unusual old life really, when you think about it... I mean there's the whole 'Getting Shot' thing and the 'Being invited to suckle from that chap's wife' episode amongst others.  But you know, a lot of them are about people with 'Normalish' lives, doing 'Normalish' things and in fairness, they tend to be really boring 'Shout into the void' affairs, detailing what people have done that day, or what flavour of crisps they like.  They're nice to read whilst you're drinking your coffee so that you can feel a bit superior or maybe compare your life favourably to someone else.

But some stand out as different - There's my good friend Tattooed Mummy's one for instance, which I've pointed you at before.  She's into the whole 'Mums' type of thing, and if you're one of those, you should probably head over and take a look.  She does product reviews and all sorts of things (Also she just won an iPad from The 99p Store for, like, doing a clever tweet or something, which I'm not bitter about at all)

And there's my mate Emma, who runs her own Blog - it concentrates mostly on writing, and she's managed to grab herself an Editor for her next book and everything.  She's full of good advice - Go take a look.

But the one I actually want to talk about now is one by a nice lady that I don't really know in the slightest.  Don't get me wrong, she sends me emails quite regularly and uses my first name and everything - But she does this to a lot of people, because she's nice, and polite. And despite the fact that we've never interacted personally, I feel something of a kindred spirit.  See if you can figure out why as we go along.

This is her:

Lotte Lane, with a train
(which I didn't realise rhymed until I wrote it)

Her name's Lotte Lane and she lives in Bristol
(My name's NOT Lotte Lane, but I did once live in Bristol - I had a great little flat on the Floating Harbour.)

She writes a blog about things that happen to her and how it's likely to change her life
(My Blog is mostly about stuff that has already happened to me and how it shaped my life.)

She's an 'Awesomiser' who can make anything you want to do 'More awesome' in some way
(I'm a can-doist, I've got a plaque and everything. See below>)

LEGO work courtesty of the Micro-Dandy

She's pretty.

(I'm ruggedly handsome)

She's a Mother.

(I'm a Father - Of different children before you start thinking that that was the big reveal)

She's suffered from depression

(I've suffered from depression)

She's got a shiny, new website

(Cock! this one was a mistake, I got nothin' here)

She knows how to do coding and mailshots so everything looks professional

(Again? Dammit all to heck - I just mash the keyboard with my pudgy fists and you guys get what you're given)

She's had the cojones to give up her job and go it alone to do the stuff she loves doing and follow her dream.

(I have freakishly small virtual genitalia in comparison)

She's written a book

(I've written three books! Hahahahaha! I win! I win! In your face Lotte Lane!)

Sorry about that... It was a temporary aberration... I have a hold of myself now (No, not like that, you maggots).

I know that I've been pimping books a lot recently, but this is something different.  Neither myself, nor James Josiah (whose brilliant new book I pimped mercilessly last week) Will die of hunger if you don't buy our books - Well, maybe JJ will, I thought ahead and laid down a thick layer of blubber before the winter, He's like a racing snake, you wouldn't even cannibalise him in a plane crash.

But Lotte might - This is a real revenue stream for her - I'm a big believer in helping out where I can.

You can read about the book (and buy it, obvs) from Lotte's new website HERE and it's available as one of these 'Pay what you want' style deals.  And as I know you guys, I know you'll dig deep because you want to help people who follow their dreams don't you?

Don't you?

Yes... Of course you do.

Oh yeah, join her mailing list too, she'll send an email to you quite regularly with your name on it... You can use it to convince people you have another friend.

No, it is not a 'Slow News Day'

So, it's time for a roundup of what's happening with everyone's favourite Immaculately Dressed, Time Stopping, Random CaPiTaliSinG, Super-Villain's Blog.

Well, apart from some cretin in a Black Range-Rover HSE Sport trying to permanently 86 me on the way into work this morning.

(To the gentleman in question, If you were as important as you think you are with your shiny-clean offroader and your personalised plates, you wouldn't need to rush everywhere and cut people up without indicating - Unless of course the post office had put one of those cards through your door telling you that you'd missed delivery of your new penis pump - I can understand your hurry in that case - I mean, it looked like you were sat on a stack of cushions already as you turned right off the island from the left hand lane... And no, the handsignals I made weren't me miming defrosting a frozen stiff snake through vigorous application of friction, they were indicating that I believe you constantly enjoy solitary sexual pleasures, seemingly whilst driving...)

Ahem...

Anyway...

Occasionally, as you know, people occasionally find the Blog whilst looking for something else.  Often they're looking for pornography - After all, that was what the Internet was created for - If you look at early photos of Tim Berners-Lee, the Inventor of the World-Wide-Web, (Before Photoshopping was so popular) you'll see that he has a right fore-arm like Popeye's, so much so that he often goes to Fancy Dress parties as a fiddler crab.

This month has been fairly quiet in that respect, I means, we've had a couple of people - Or possibly the same person twice, finding us by Googling 'Martin Shaw Nude' and someone asked the question 'What happens to the skin with too...' Unfortunately, that's where the report cut off I'm afraid - So I suggest we all take a minute to think what the rest of that entry might be.

Google suggests that they were probably asking 'too dry' or 'too much soda', or my personal favourite 'too many carrots' - But I'm sure it was something cool like 'too much exposure to Gamma Radiation' or 'too many cheap hookers' (I can answer that last one for you, if that was in fact the question... The answer involves the word 'pustules' though, so maybe not at lunchtime.)

We've had a couple of inoffensive ones too 'fruit bat in tree' made me smile, as did 'Patrick McDonald Dandy Wiki' (If you've never heard of Mr McDonald - And there's no reason why should have - Give him a quick Google, he has great cheekbones and dresses Faaaaabulously.)  Someone asked 'dandy (Terrier breed) crossword clue' (I think the word they were looking for was 'Dinmont') and 'Chibs Sons of Anarchy' has raised its big, biker, head again, what with Season 6 due to start at the end of this week.  Of course, we had the ever present instances of people Googling 'TheChimpingDandy.blogspot.com' - I Love you guys, you're all great... nuts, but great.

As far as Geography goes, omitting the hits from the US and the UK, we've had a bucketload of pageviews from Poland, Russia, France and China - And a big Dandy welcome to all of you.  We also seem to have a peak from the Ukraine and the Philippines this week, Ласкаво просимо and maligayang pagdating! to you wonderful people... Please stick with us, sometimes I can be funny and everything - It's not all ranting and spitting into the wind.

it's been just over a month since The Chimping Dandy's Facebook page came online and it's going pretty well - Which is completely down to you guys - There's been a marked increase in traffic, I'm guessing because more people can wangle their way through Facebook than are willing to traverse the Blogosphere on foot with only a bent twig and a water buffalo for company - But it's great, give it a look, give it a like,  It's got all the Blog posts there, with a description of what you can expect to find if you read each one.

Also, there's Merchandising you can buy now, the great people at Hash Togs have kindly done us a deal on shirts and mugs and phone backs and keyrings and stuff,  You can contact them via Facebook or Twitter and I believe that there's a 'Real Website' in the offing, but you'd have to ask them about that - Anywho, the 'Merch' (as I understand the cool kids call it nowadays), involves Seedy the Pangolin, Mascot of the Chimping Dandy - and some words, probably - Feel free to have it personalised to your heart's content.

Please note, I'd appreciate it if the words weren't 'I Hate' or 'Smells of rotting garbage' but any advertising is good advertising I guess.

-oOo-

OK, a quick rundown of the current Top Ten, as chosen by you, you wonderful and freakishly good looking people:

No 10: But it says here... - A bit of a fun poke at those people who think that the words that get said whilst you're worshiping your God of choice are more important that the good things you do every day for everyday people - And why they might be a bit wrong.

No 9: Boobs, Melons and Jumper-Lumps - My ever popular (And the cause of most people who are looking for porn accidentally finding my Blog) post about my Torrid love affair with ASDA / Walmart - WARNING: May contain some mild references to Mrs Dandy's Chesticular area.

No 8: So good to be Viviparous - A Docu-Drama treatment of some leaked documents that may (or may not) have come into my possession about the birth of the most recent Royal Offspring

No 7: Then I posed, and he took my picture - A completely true account of the time, when I was younger, more muscular and slightly more deviant, when I found myself in a room full of photographers - Who spoke a foreign language and asked me to do some... Questionable things.

No 6: Barnaby Wilde (Pt. 1) - Some anecdotes from my times trying to kill myself with motorcycles, not intentionally, but through sheer ineptitude.

No 5: One more rusty nail - A strangely serious one for me. A call for calm after the senseless murder of Drummer Lee Rigby

No 4: It was a bright, cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen - A contender for the 2013 Pulitzer Prize for longest Blog Post title in the history of Blogs penned by people who take their pen-names from unsavoury deviant sexual acts.  A quick trip down memory lane, fondly remembering years of being a younger sibling.

No 3: Thermodynamics, it's the law! - For a long time, this was a lot of people's favourite post.  It features my Dad and his somewhat free and easy take on animal corpses and the sanctity of the fragile human mind - The only thing that stops me calling it a Legend is that it is (for the most part) completely true - I may have embellished the last line slightly, maybe the last two lines, tops.

No 2: Priorities - Not going to do a funny description for this one.  All I will say is that without question, this is the one post that I have received more comments, emails and tweets about, both with offers of help and thanks from people who are in similar circumstances.  It's the description of the feelings I had, when my Father told me that he had inoperable cancer.

No 1: Pogonophilia is for everyone, even the young. - No one was more surprised than me when this particular post went viral / meteoric and possibly both.  It's a simple premise, I just happen to believe that men with beards are infinitely more masculine than those that aren't.  Every right thinking woman in the world would agree (and if fairness, most of them did, and those that don't have a tendency to wear dungarees and badges with rainbows on them) - Retweeted by Rufus Hound, Favourited by Al Murray, quoted as the 'Best Blog Post Ever!' by popular Blogger Tattooed Mummy - This one post makes up 3.5% of all the traffic on the Blog ever - And it's only been up for two months! (But it does involve a topless picture of me holding a Baby - Maybe that's it? - From now on, every post will contain a naked picture of someone holding something, probably)

-oOo-

So, that's the roundup for this month kids.

Keep reading

Keep sharing

And P.S. I've just started translating popular words and phrases into Circular Gallifreyan, so if you want anything inexpertly writing out, give me a nod.

See you all later.