Yes Miss, erm, I mean... Mum.

Some of you will have read a couple of my 'What I would do if I won the Lottery' or 'Things I intend to do before I die' posts.  But, in real life (I do have one you know - The Chimping Dandy is just my evil alter-ego, established to try and protect the innocent from my waffling opinionated diatribe) there's one thing that I said I would do if I won a decent amount of tax-free cash... It would need to be £25 Million or more to make it worth while.

I would yank the Dandylets out of school and 'Home School' them.

No, wait, stop laughing... Sit down, dry your eyes, put down that fire extinguisher and listen.

This year's UK Education Budget (for schools, not Further Education) is just over £77 Billion, and there are around 9.5 Million kids at school, or who have at least signed up for school, they may be sat in a pool of their own urine playing age-inappropriate games on a stolen PS3, doesn't matter.  So, a bit of entirely in my head maths gives us a figure of £8,200 per child per year or £43 per day.  And that's assuming that every school and every child gets the same amount... But they don't, the chunk of the money-pie that your kids' school gets varies wildly.  There are all kinds of factors, how deprived the catchment area is, how popular the school is, how many 'Special Needs' kids the school has - All sorts of things, your mileage will almost certainly vary.  And unbelievably, I used to be a School Governor, so I know these things.

Then the little snots actually have to listen whilst some adenoidal, gimlet-eyed jackanape with a degree in Media Studies drones on about crop rotation in the 18th Century for an hour every Thursday afternoon and turns them away from learning as if it were a low-quality DVD of their parents conceiving them at a Duran Duran reunion gig in Northampton in 2003. (If it were the late 80's - Early 90's now, I could have done a cracking Jethro Tull tie in - Damn this living in the future business! - And 5 points to the first person to pick up the cleverly hidden hook there...)

So, you've got schools that can't afford to make education interesting, and you've got kids that don't want to learn because it's boring, and you've got parents that whinge and whine about having to give the school a fiver once a year so that little Chablis and her surprisingly non-similar looking brother Leroy can go on an all-expenses paid, fully chaperoned day trip to a theme-park of their choice, travel, insurance and a limp ham sandwich for the coach driver included.

The obvious thing would be, if you cared about your kids education, and their usefulness as future citizens of the world, to say 'thanks but no thanks' to the State Education system and teach them yourself.  Right?

No, completely wrong.  Not most of the time, not for most of us.  OK, it could be that the parent in question was a qualified teacher.  But most of us aren't.  It could be that the parent in question has a huge ring of friends who have children of similar ages that they are also home schooling who are geographically close enough to ensure the daily social interaction required for healthy emotional growth.  But most of us haven't.  It's possible that the parent that did the bulk of the 'schooling' would be open-minded enough to not present their mal-informed opinions as 'Gawd's Honest Truth' and give the child a full spectrum of ideas and let them pick their own opinions.  But deep down, how many of us can say we'd do that? - I mean, the Mini-Dandy already hates the French, and I'm not sure she's ever actually met one (although it does make me proud and a little bit dewy eyed).

I know, and when I say 'know', what I actually mean is I occasionally breathe some of the same air as, a couple of people who Home-school their kids.   And they're not teachers, not in any definition of the word... I mean, I wouldn't trust either of them to try and teach a dog to bark. One of them has a kid with, what are now called 'Behavioural Difficulties' that she regularly shouts loudly and colourfully at him for.  The other's child is clingy to the point of me wondering if her Mother was involved in a medical trial involving in-utero injections of Octopus and Velcro DNA - Nice enough kid though, just tends to shadow her Mother, or her single, similarly aged friend at a distance of 3/4 of an inch at all times.

They can't be products of a well rounded education can they?  I mean, I'm only looking in from the outside and I've got a distorted view, choc full of pre-conceived ideas and bigotry.  But on most occasions when I see them, I do the whole sharp intake of breath thing, shake my head and say something like 'Poor kid!' slightly too loudly than is generally considered polite.

That's why I'd not try it myself, not unless I had access to almost limitless funds.  I certainly couldn't do it if I worked for a living, what with teaching being a full-time job and everything.  But if I did, if we won big, how would I go about it?  Well, I'd have to generate some kind of curriculum I guess.  I'd probably try to make everything tie together with real world examples.

Things like:

English:  Onto an easy gig here, both of the smaller Dandies devour the written word more voraciously than Kerry Katona wolfs down Iceland Frozen Prawn Rings - In fact, we often have to cover up the labels on the sauce bottles so the Micro-Dandy will stop reading them and eat his Dinner at night.

Art:  We would fly by customised 4-seater Apache Gunship, once a week, to the major galleries of the world, The Louvre, Vatican Museums, Musee D'Orsay, British Museum, Reina Sofia, Pergamonmuseum and Guggenheim would hold no secrets from us, I'd get Fortnum & Mason packed lunches delivered and we'd all have a go at re-imagining the Old Masters in the style of Roy Lichtenstein

Physics:  I would take everyone to the Grand Canyon and we'd throw water balloons off the edge, film it all with high speed cameras and whoop uncontrollably whilst we reviewed the footage, playing it backwards and forwards.

Chemistry:  We'd watch re-runs of Breaking Bad and NOT cook Meth at all, ever, because that would be illegal.  Might be fun to try some of the other stuff that Walter does though...

Biology:  The rain forest would probably be the best place for this, wander about a bit, look at the pretty butterflies, maybe take a detour to the Galapagos Islands, ride a few turtles, poke a couple of marine Iguanas, let them sneeze salt onto us whilst we feed them exotic flowers.

History:  I've always thought of wandering through France, looking disdainfully at the populace, muttering the word 'Vichy' under my breath every time I received poor service (So, like, probably quite a lot) and then buying a tank and driving it into Belgium to visit places like Ypres and Passchendaele.

Geography:  Simple - You buy a big globe, spin it around, get one of the kids to stop it and buy four first-Class plane tickets to wherever their grubby fingers are pointing - Then spend a week speaking loudly to the natives in clipped Estuary English, adding 'O' to the end of every other word until they understand how to make a decent Martini.

Metalwork/Woodwork:  I've always fancied a decent workshop, this would be the perfect excuse.  There'd be hand-tools of every shape and size.  Steam-powered machine-tools from Britain's Golden age and Japanese electronic marvels of 3D printing and Robotics.  I would use them to make a matched set of Iron-Man suits, made of Ivory seized from Namibian poachers who disappeared shortly afterwards under unexplained circumstances.

Music:  Metallica would play in one of the upstairs bathrooms every Wednesday,  After which Kurt would give everyone Guitar Lessons, Rob would teach us all the Bass, James would show us how to growl without hurting our little throats and Lars would sit in the bath with a towel over his head being a bit of a cock.

Economics:  I would leave the entire finances package, including foreign exchange rates, hotel bills, fines, tolls, restaurants and general household bills to the kids.  In fairness, they'd be hard pushed to make more of a hash of it than me.

Once, in the dim and distant past, the now Head-Master of Mini-Dandy's Senior School said to me 'I think you'd make a great teacher... As long as you found yourself somehow mysteriously transported to 1850.'  And I'll take that both as a complement and a vindication of my qualifications.

Anyone want me to educate their children for them?

No?

This is not the worst thing you've caught me doing

CosPlay they call it, dressing up as a favourite character from a film, or TV Show, or cartoon.

It's like playing dress-up, but for adults (Using the term incredibly loosely) or for the kids of incredibly cool parents.

It's very popular at 'Cons' - Conventions where comics or sci-fi fans get together and get their collective geeks on.  Sounds perfectly horrid and a little sad to your more vanilla types doesn't it? And in fairness, a lot of it is - There are only so many 25 Stone plus men dressed in a Lycra Captain America costume that even a broadminded man like myself can stand.  And I don't know how many of you are actually Sci-Fi fans, but you're a better person than I am if you can name a single female hero or villain, that you would want to dress up as (should you be blessed with mammary glands and 'innie' reproductive organs) - that is more than a size 10-12 (UK Size) - But that doesn't stop ladies twice that size dressing up as them.

Now, before I'm torn to shreds by a frenzy of vicious estrogen-toting feminists, I'm all for empowerment, and I'm sure that every single one of these wonderful ladies has an amazing personality, is inwardly beautiful - In fairness, a lot of them are outwardly beautiful too - Skinny-bony women do nothing for me personally - But if you're going to dress up as a well known character, male or female... You'd be more believable if you were of roughly the same body-type... Just sayin... But who am I to judge, right? As long as we're all having fun and no-one (especially me) gets hurt.

OK, it's time that you all went and did a Google image search for CosPlay... Be sure to open it in another tab though, wouldn't want you getting lost.

Yeah, I know, Boobs... Especially if you pep it up a level by Googling 'CosPlay Morrigan'

But in amongst the fluff, and the hardcore Japanese Manga/Anime stuff that most of you have probably never heard of, there are some amazing works of art.   Really, these guys must spend months, or possibly even years designing and building these costumes so that they can go to an exhibition centre somewhere and have their photos taken by people who live in their parents basements.

I have an amazing amount of respect for these people, they are true artists .. I can only assume that the best of them go on to work for companies providing costumes for big-budget movies and use these 'Cons' as advertising media for their chosen (or potential) career.

Then we have the people like you and me, the people who sit looking at the pictures going 'Whoa!' and 'Wow!' and hurling superlatives about with gay abandon.  And then you think 'I wouldn't mind having a go at that'.  Now, as my good friend Kanye may have said once - 'I'm really proud of you for wanting to do that, and I'm gonna let you finish' but... Most of us really shouldn't bother.

And if you want to know why, just do a Google Image search for 'CosPlay Fails'

See, just exactly the same number of Boobs, but mostly on men.

That's what most of us would look like, I know it's what I would look like.  It leaves you with few choices.  The first, and most sensible, is to just not bother - Really, just go to the convention as yourself.  You won't have as many pictures taken of you, but in most cases that's a good thing, believe me - I know from personal experience that the camera is not always your friend.

Your second option, and it's a good option if you really, really, want to be part of the scene is:

Body Armour.

I know a couple of people who dress up as Imperial Stormtroopers an awful lot of the time, they do an awful  lot of work for charity and raise an awful lot of money, there's even a group that you can join if that's your bag, called the 501st Legion (Named for the group of Stormtroopers directly commanded by Darth Vader)

Beware though, these guys take it really seriously and will vet your costume before they allow you to join... they can be really sniffy about your armour being made up of bits from different films and everything. But still, you can play dress up and help the helpless all at the same time.  Stormtrooper armour, to an extent, can cover a multitude of sins, you can squeeze into it if you are more generously proportioned (to an extent - I mean, Jabba the Hutt might be a better bet for some of us) or you can bulk it up if you are 'A little short for a Stormtrooper'

But my favourite, the coolest of the cool, the bestest, most desirous (to me at least) Body Armoured CosPlay subject of them all... is... The one and only... Superhero's Superhero...

Iron Man

OK, first thing, forget the fancy-dress costumes.  They mostly look like onesies painted red and gold by a blind marmoset.  Instead, take a look at the fan-made, fibreglass and foam, LED studded, motorised faceplate, slabs of awesomness that you can find.

I mean... Wow! Right?

There are some talented modellers out there (all of whom that I hate - because they are so gorram talented and they have Iron Man suits) Really, really talented... Sigh!

So, I have made a decision, I am going to make myself a suit, It may take me years, I may get halfway through and give up, and it will get put in the loft and then I'll find it years later and I'll pick up the helmet and the light will catch the edge so that it looks like it's crying and then I'll carry on and I'll finish it in time for my Grandson's 6th Birthday... *breathe*... And I will be awesome!

Yes... I... Will... Be... Awesome...

Excelsior!

As has already been mentioned, I am a Superhero... At least to small children who don't know any better. And as Stan Lee once said (or FDR, or Jesus, depending on who you believe) "With great power comes great responsibility" This is of course totally true, and now I am greatly empowered by the Internet, I will try to become responsible for at least some of your entertainment.

Isn't it strange that (arguably) the two 'coolest' Superheros - Batman & Iron Man, have no superpowers whatsover, no unassisted flight, no transmogrification, telepathy or ability to smell things from a profoundly long distance. What they do have is cash, and plenty of it - Want to fly, see in the dark or have weaponry extruded from your own orifices? Well, cold hard cash is your friend - According to Forbes, approximately $10,000,000,000 will see you be able to set yourself up as either of the cool crusaders.

If I'm honest, I don't have that kind of money... So, what do you do if you can't buy Superhero-dom, you're not from another dimension/planet and you don't fancy being bitten by anything (radioactive or otherwise).

Well obviously, you make it up... But then that opens another can of deep fried, crispy, Winston Hobbes'. What superpowers do you arbitrarily give yourself? You can discount the whole flying thing straight away, I mean, you can't pretend to fly... Well, I mean you can, but usually only the once, and onlookers would probably describe it more as falling, especially to the reporter from the local paper, just before they said 'He was a nice man, he kept himself to himself'. You could probably, just about, give yourself super(ish)-strength - Given enough time, discipline and motivation I suppose... Which are, of course, the three main reasons that I'll never have that. (See also: Mad acrobatic / Ninja skills, swordplay, accuracy whilst throwing stuff or even being able to play 'Smoke on the Water on the Electric Guitar)

So, we need to think outside of the box, really get the grey-matter jiggling about - Go to the esoteric end of the scale - I have thought about, and rapidly discounted:

• Being able to make things taste slightly different
• Lengthening the shelf life of cut flowers
• Instantly doubling the number of bubbles in a standard bottle of carbonated drink

But only because of their lack of crime fighting applications and the fact that they are a bit pants. Then I found it, the perfect pretend super-power...

Wait for it...

I can stop time! - for as long as I like!... You don't believe me?

OK, I'll do it now. 3... 2... 1... *Bamff* Ha! you didn't notice did you? That's because I actually stopped time, you were frozen in an actual bubble... of time! My only problem is, I stopped too which is a bit of an issue where using it for anything even remotely heroic is concerned - I'm working on it, honest.

Just think though, if you could actually do that, with a thought, or pressing a button on an old watch you found in an antique shop that had magically disappeared when you tried to take it back because it never told the right time. With a *click* or *Bamff* or *Boop* everyone around you freezes and you are free to do whatever you like... Think of the possibilities... Erm... Ah... Now try to think of possibilities that don't involve changing rooms, stealing money or anything involving the words sneaking, inappropriate or without being caught.

Oh my Gods... I'm a SuperVillain!