This is not the worst thing you've caught me doing

CosPlay they call it, dressing up as a favourite character from a film, or TV Show, or cartoon.

It's like playing dress-up, but for adults (Using the term incredibly loosely) or for the kids of incredibly cool parents.

It's very popular at 'Cons' - Conventions where comics or sci-fi fans get together and get their collective geeks on.  Sounds perfectly horrid and a little sad to your more vanilla types doesn't it? And in fairness, a lot of it is - There are only so many 25 Stone plus men dressed in a Lycra Captain America costume that even a broadminded man like myself can stand.  And I don't know how many of you are actually Sci-Fi fans, but you're a better person than I am if you can name a single female hero or villain, that you would want to dress up as (should you be blessed with mammary glands and 'innie' reproductive organs) - that is more than a size 10-12 (UK Size) - But that doesn't stop ladies twice that size dressing up as them.

Now, before I'm torn to shreds by a frenzy of vicious estrogen-toting feminists, I'm all for empowerment, and I'm sure that every single one of these wonderful ladies has an amazing personality, is inwardly beautiful - In fairness, a lot of them are outwardly beautiful too - Skinny-bony women do nothing for me personally - But if you're going to dress up as a well known character, male or female... You'd be more believable if you were of roughly the same body-type... Just sayin... But who am I to judge, right? As long as we're all having fun and no-one (especially me) gets hurt.

OK, it's time that you all went and did a Google image search for CosPlay... Be sure to open it in another tab though, wouldn't want you getting lost.

Yeah, I know, Boobs... Especially if you pep it up a level by Googling 'CosPlay Morrigan'

But in amongst the fluff, and the hardcore Japanese Manga/Anime stuff that most of you have probably never heard of, there are some amazing works of art.   Really, these guys must spend months, or possibly even years designing and building these costumes so that they can go to an exhibition centre somewhere and have their photos taken by people who live in their parents basements.

I have an amazing amount of respect for these people, they are true artists .. I can only assume that the best of them go on to work for companies providing costumes for big-budget movies and use these 'Cons' as advertising media for their chosen (or potential) career.

Then we have the people like you and me, the people who sit looking at the pictures going 'Whoa!' and 'Wow!' and hurling superlatives about with gay abandon.  And then you think 'I wouldn't mind having a go at that'.  Now, as my good friend Kanye may have said once - 'I'm really proud of you for wanting to do that, and I'm gonna let you finish' but... Most of us really shouldn't bother.

And if you want to know why, just do a Google Image search for 'CosPlay Fails'

See, just exactly the same number of Boobs, but mostly on men.

That's what most of us would look like, I know it's what I would look like.  It leaves you with few choices.  The first, and most sensible, is to just not bother - Really, just go to the convention as yourself.  You won't have as many pictures taken of you, but in most cases that's a good thing, believe me - I know from personal experience that the camera is not always your friend.

Your second option, and it's a good option if you really, really, want to be part of the scene is:

Body Armour.

I know a couple of people who dress up as Imperial Stormtroopers an awful lot of the time, they do an awful  lot of work for charity and raise an awful lot of money, there's even a group that you can join if that's your bag, called the 501st Legion (Named for the group of Stormtroopers directly commanded by Darth Vader)

Beware though, these guys take it really seriously and will vet your costume before they allow you to join... they can be really sniffy about your armour being made up of bits from different films and everything. But still, you can play dress up and help the helpless all at the same time.  Stormtrooper armour, to an extent, can cover a multitude of sins, you can squeeze into it if you are more generously proportioned (to an extent - I mean, Jabba the Hutt might be a better bet for some of us) or you can bulk it up if you are 'A little short for a Stormtrooper'

But my favourite, the coolest of the cool, the bestest, most desirous (to me at least) Body Armoured CosPlay subject of them all... is... The one and only... Superhero's Superhero...

Iron Man

OK, first thing, forget the fancy-dress costumes.  They mostly look like onesies painted red and gold by a blind marmoset.  Instead, take a look at the fan-made, fibreglass and foam, LED studded, motorised faceplate, slabs of awesomness that you can find.

I mean... Wow! Right?

There are some talented modellers out there (all of whom that I hate - because they are so gorram talented and they have Iron Man suits) Really, really talented... Sigh!

So, I have made a decision, I am going to make myself a suit, It may take me years, I may get halfway through and give up, and it will get put in the loft and then I'll find it years later and I'll pick up the helmet and the light will catch the edge so that it looks like it's crying and then I'll carry on and I'll finish it in time for my Grandson's 6th Birthday... *breathe*... And I will be awesome!

Yes... I... Will... Be... Awesome...

Boobs, Melons and Jumper-Lumps

Soooooooo... It seems you enjoy hearing about my misfortunes! - Yesterday on the blog was the most popular so far, with over 100 hits and 72 of those on the 'Barnaby Wilde' page itself.

Thanks guys, you made a bald man very happy.

The idea for today's Blog was suggested by my dear Wife, in a 'Well, they liked that, so they'll probably like this too' kinda way - But it'll only be short.

I'm a confirmed Asda (Walmart) shopper - They're cheap, you often don't get food poisoning from their own-brand range and the opportunity for shenanigens is quite high. I mean, you try the sort of crap that you'd quite happily get away with in Asda in Sainsbury's and you're looking at being escorted from the premises quick-smart by a security guard with the peak of his hat so close to his face that he looks like a jobsworth Judge Dredd.

I quite enjoy just wandering around the place and looking at the people - I mean, don't get me wrong, it's no People of Walmart - But it gets pretty close on occasions, you get a few people in their pyjamas and crocs, who I just assume to be escaped mental patients, but most of the time things are pretty sensible.

That is, of course, until LARP season starts...

For those of you who have managed to live your lives without encountering LARP, it stands for Live Action Role Playing - Dungeons and Dragons but with a far higher incidence of personal injury - Rubber swords, people dressed as elves, the whole nine yards. Hundreds (literally) of people congregate in the grounds of the old Leper Hospital up the road and bash seven different kinds of poop out of each other with maces and swords and hammers made of sponge-foam and Duct-tape. It would be all too easy to dismiss these people as boobs, really, it would, but when you see the obvious time and work they put into their costumes and how seriously they take it, they demand a certain respect. Add a bit of cleavage, and a fair smattering of acne cream and shampoo and some of those guys could be classed as cosplayers. (I'm not going to explain that one too - You can't be on the Internet and not know what a Cosplayer is - look it up, it'll be educational) That is, right up until you see them in the cream cake aisle at lunchtime, with a basket full of sausage rolls, scotch eggs and chocolate flavour milk - The studded leather jerkins, ring-mail vest, thigh boots and studded flails lose a bit of their mystique under those circumstances.

But you didn't come hear to listen to me opine about people who choose a different entertainment lifestyle, you came to hear about things that caused my physical pain and/or embarassment.

-oOo-

I show off... A lot... I mean, give me an audience and I behave like a five year old. It's the main reason for this Blog. I'm constantly being told to grow up by my children and I often turn around after shower-juggling a couple of (full) wine bottles in any shop I've not previously been banned from, to be confronted with the rapidly retreating rear-ends of my family as they melt into the crowd slowly repeating their manta - 'He's Not With Us... He's Not With Us...'

One time, I performed a trick that I'd seen in a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon, where you run down a supermarket aisle throwing a watermelon to yourself. You know, that's when I found out that real-life physics and cartoon physics work slightly differently. I don't mean you can't do it, you can, the first three or four throws work perfectly, but as you gain speed, you have to throw the watermelon further and further ahead of yourself...

You've worked out what happens next already, right? I knew I could count on you.

Watermelons make an absolutely brilliant noise when they hit the floor from about 10' up, and the pieces go for miles - I think that I might have actually spread my arms wide, slowly spun around in a circle to the assembled audence and cried 'Tah-dahhhh!'. The look of horror on my wife and daughter's face was worth the price of entry alone. I'd never heard my wife growl before, and it's not a noise I care to get her to repeat.

'Pick... It... Up...' She growled,

'What?' I replied, as innocently as my ear to ear smirk would allow,

'The melon, Pick... It... Up... Now..."

'Yes Dear.'

Did you know: It's possible to fit an entire watermelon in one of those small plastic bags that come on a roll in the fruit and vegetable aisle? Providing you make the pieces small enough that is. The cashier, when we went to pay, was pretty confused too. She tried to put it through as melon slices rather than a whole watermelon.

My wife made me explain what had happened.

Then she made me apologise.

I felt very sorry for myself.

I have not been allowed to forget this momentary lapse of judgement since, as every time my wife meets someone new she introduces me thusly,

'This is my Husband, he likes to throw fruit at himself in Asda.'

I think it makes me sound mysterious and interesting.

-oOo-

Another Asda moment that has entered the annals of Dandy history started with an innocent trip to the shops to get the ingredients for a summer picnic. It was the middle of the kids summer holidays and the store was pretty busy. The weather was hot (well hot for the UK - Maybe 25 deg Celcius) and most of the clothing worn by the customers was of the shorts and t-shirt variety. In fact, some of the female customers were wearing less, with vests and the occasional bikini top on display.

Mrs Dandy had chosen to wear a somewhat structural top with what are called, I believe, spaghetti straps, which served to accentuate her more than ample feminine charms. I use the phrase 'served to accentuate' here as a synonym for the more vulgar 'struggled to contain', and obviously it was only so long before I resorted to childishness.

I waited until we were surrounded (mostly) by adults, turned to Mrs Dandy and... well... made the action with both of my hands that indicated that I thought my wifes... erm... jumper-lumps were some kind of squeaky-toy.

What happened at this precise time helped convince me of my Super-Villain status.

The 'Honk-Honk' noise actually sounded, in perfect time with the squeezing of my hands. I looked down at my hands as if looking at them for the very first time. The surrounding shoppers looked at me, at the rapidly reddening Mrs Dandy, at my hands, at her upper ladies area - all with their mouths hanging open.

I burst into raucous laughter, which, luckily proved infectious and of course I tried to do it again - But this time I was thwarted, it seemed that this particular Super-Power was a one time only deal.

It remains a mystery to this day, completely unexplained and unexplainable. We did see a guy dressed as a clown a little further around the store making baloon animals, and he did have one of those old-style car horns with the black rubber ball, but I don't think that had anything to do with it.

See you next week, Dandy-Fans