Carry me back, baby, where I come from.

Well yes, as Messers Page & Plant might say, 'It's been a long time' (See what I did there?)

But what's been a long time?

It's been a long time (been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time) since we've had a 'State of the Dandy Nation' speech.

So, what's happened in the last... Erm... four months maybe?

I'll start with the top ten posts ever. There are a few changes, certainly, but the most noticable thing is that there's a joint number one - Two posts have had exactly the same number of views as each other - Which is so unlikely that it's prompted me to have a go on the lottery this weekend.  (I'm not going to be giving it the whole Smashie & Nicey 'And straight in at number 10' business because I haven't been keeping track of the movement - Yes, this is bad, and I feel bad.)

-oOo-

10 - Our least best post, if that makes sense, is: And then I killed Bobby Davro - The story of a trip I took to one of our great country's theme parks.  Where there was screaming, rending, and the enforced fighting (probably to the death) between two innocent wild animals.

9 - A NSFW Tweet about a time in my life when I used to see live bands on a regular basis, this particular live band were pretty much all naked, and performed repeated coitus with a member of the crowd - \m/ Rockbitch are so NSFW that it's not even funny \m/

8 - Now, this one's deeply personal to me, which I why I shared it with a thousand people who I don't know on The Internet.  It's the story of my Father's death from Cancer.  It doesn't contain many belly laughs, but I've received a few messages to say it's helped people in similar situations, which is nice - Today, my Dad died

7 - You leave me bent and broken by the roadside - The story of the final days of the MK I Dandymobile. And it's repeated, abortive, trips to the car spares shop.

6 - This post is my finest moment, it is because of this that I realised that I'd become one of the true Twitterati, a God amongst men, a harvestman scything my way through a field, reeling in the sheaves of my devoted followers (Oh, and it also got re-tweeted by Rufus Hound and favourited by Al Murray, so I win the Internet, Ner!) - Pogonophilia is for everyone, even the young

5 - Oh blimey, more Death... I guess I'm just of that age where people I know are shuffling off this mortal coil with increasing regularity. - Sabian, the Token Yank - Describes my relationship with one of the nicest colonials anyone could ever possibly hope to meet, except you can't... Because, you know, he's no longer with us.  Holds the record for the most comments from people I don't strictly know, including his family.

4 - Learn to govern yourself, be gentle and patient - Is a 'Steampunked' description, of the workings of the very real Brookwood Cemetery, and British Funerary custom in the 19th Century (The title is a lyric from the glorious The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing's song 'Etiquette' - Which you should all rush off and listen to immediately.)

3 - I still don't get this one, - No, it is not a 'Slow News Day' - This particular post is very similar to this particular post... No, hang on, I mean that it's just the same as the post you're reading now.  It's a 'State of the Dandy Nation post' from September 2013.  You guys are seriously weird.

=1- The first of out two top posts, with more than a hundred more views than any other (Except the one below, obvs) is - You get me closer to God - Which is a no-holds-barred, blow-by-blow account of the events leading up to, and including, then entry of my Son, The MicroDandy, into the Kingdom of God via the medium of Baptism - If you're hugely fundamentalist, you might not want to read this, it does poke a little bit of fun at Mother Church, and the people who only go there once a year.

=1- The second of our first place entries is about Facebook, especially the people who blindly share sob-stories without checking their facts.  You know, those people who send you things with pictures of fly-covered children who will get a life-saving operation if the post gets 100,000 likes - There's one born every minute - Got a comment on this one from an irate, but anonymous American, which is worth a read on its own - He was very angry, I think he needs to eat less protein.

So, if you want a quick introduction to the sort of piffle I write, you could do worse than taking a look at those (Bear in mind that those are the best as voted for by you, the public, and you're notoriously fickle.)

-oOo-

We now come to the ever-popular 'What have people Googled to find the blog?' section... Depressingly, not as much as usual - I'm putting this down to more of my adoring fans bookmarking me, but popular search terms in the last quarter have included:

Dzit Dit Gaii - Which managed to find my post about Denver International Airport

Tiswas David McKellar - This pointed the seacher towards my review of the 40th anniversary party for TISWAS in Birmingham which I was honoured enough to attend.

-oOo-

As far as hits on the blog goes, in the previous quarter, we had 6,066, bringing our total up to 40,331 at the last count.

Which, as I'm not pretty, don't get my boobs out, don't advertise, don't provide a cogent service of any kind and am just really a fat, bald, bloke who's only just on the right side of 50, isn't that bad.

Nope, not bad at all.

Easing myself in gently

Right then, my first Post in two weeks...

I'm going to jump back into it with both feet and an easy hit.  The state of the Dandy Nation for the first bit of 2014.

Hmm... Dandy Nation, the more I say that, the more I like it - Maybe there could be a T-Shirt line in there somewhere... A bit like (or, you might say stolen from) the 1972 David Pelham cover for 'A Clockwork Orange'

Like this:

Feel free to steal this image and post it every-flipping-where

Hasn't this year just flown past? it only seems like seconds seconds that I was was telling the younger members of the Dandy family things like 'No, I'm sorry, we've run out of that size of battery.' and 'Well, if the dog's eaten your Pokemon then you're going to have to wait until it evolves its way out.'

But we're in February already, beset by floods and snow and sinkholes and we're rushing headlong towards Easter and the chocolate coma that we could so easily all drop into, having not fully recovered from eating that entire tin of Roses or Quality Street to ourselves on Boxing Day.

Here we go:

Since the 1st of January, the Blog has had 2,757 views, which is a little down on average, but I guess that I've not posted anything in February at all.  This takes our total pageviews, as of today, the 12th February 2014, to 29,048

(Oh yeah, whilst I remember, a pet peeve of mine... The name of this month is pronounced 'Feh-Brew-Ehry' not 'Feb-You-Ehry'.  And also, You know the sticky black sweet, liquorice? that's pronounced 'Lick-O-Ris' not 'Lick-Er-Rish', just so as you know.)

It's been another world-wide month, with our popularity rising again in Russia.  We seem to be getting popular in The Ukraine now too, in fact after the UK, USA and Russia, they're our number 4 most populace readers, then comes Australia, Canada & Germany, followed by Brazil, France and the plucky little Isle of Man.  We're also starting to get hits from Denmark, Kenya and Hong Kong, which is nice.

-oOo-

The 'Things people have searched for on Google and found the Blog' list has a couple of surprises.  Apart from the normal 'thechimpingdandy.blogspot.com' type things, there's been a distinct upsurge of queries involving some of the following words 'Gunzmore, shooting, 14, stepfather, Facebook, rape and virus.' Which, for those who haven't read the post, will be explained later. 'Dzit Dit Gaii translation' is also enjoying a resurgence.  But our newest Google query (In that it's one I've not seen before) is: 'british masturbation blogs/ dandy' - Your guess is as good as mine...

-oOo-

And here's the current Top-Ten chart of Blog posts:

10: You like it when I do what? - This is a 'State of the Dandy Nation' post from October 2013.  Which, as well as detailing the top ten posts, also ruthlessly pimps my last book - Which you can buy from Amazon here *cough* - You could buy the Kindle version instead if you wanted, but that wouldn't help my kids go to University.

9: Like a firm, ripe, peach - A slightly salacious post about 'Mooning', the act of baring one's buttocks in the direction of another person to show a general lack of respect (Caution, includes a description of an event that involves the buttocks of young boys - But I have never, at any time, been a Radio 1 DJ)

8: Priorities - An unusually serious post for The Chimping Dandy that describes the way that my Father told me that he was suffering with inoperable cancer.

7: Today, My Dad died - You can probably get what this one's about from the title - Had some good comments about this one.  Although you should probably know that what I call a good comment, would be something like 'That was difficult to read.'

6: Pogonophilia is for everyone, even the young - I'm so glad that this is still in the Top 10 - Although I understand that that might be because I pimp it every time someone mentions that they like beards on Twitter.

5: Learn to govern yourself, be gentle and patient - This is one of my personal favourites, it details some of the things closest to my heart, anachronism, Radio Four between 18:30 - 19:15, steampunk, bodily fluids and Victorian burial procedures

4: There's one born every minute - This post is the reason for all the Google searches involving the name 'Gunzmore' - It's about those people who share the 'If you like this post, Bill Gates will donate $1 to help this Polar Bear cub to get the plastic surgery he so richly deserves' posts on Facebook, despite knowing full well that it's complete balderdash.

3: Sabian, the Token Yank - More death here I'm afraid... But this time of a long-time friend, rather than a family member.  It does hold the current records for comments though, and bizarrely, it's the only post so far that I've had to delete an offensive comment from.

2: No, it is not a 'Slow News Day' - Now, I don't get this one in the slightest.  This is another 'State of the Dandy Nation' post, this time from September 2013 - There's a top-ten, a list of Google Searches like you'd expect... The only difference is that it gives you details about how you cam get hold of Chimping Dandy 'Merch' from the great people at HashTogs - They're on Facebook if you're interested... Please be interested... It'll make me feel that this isn't all for nothing.

And here we go.

The Blockbuster, the most popular post ever in the history of the Universe!

Destined to stay at number 1 for the foreseeable future:

1: You get me closer to God - Even though I ruthlessly stole the title of this post from the Nine Inch Nails, it's actually a story set in Church, about the time The Micro-Dandy got baptised - This is in the lead by, like, 100 pageviews - People seem to really like this stuff, and I'm not going to complain.  Even I think it's pretty good, and I wrote it.

-oOo-

So, there you go for another month (at least) - Please bear with us, normal service will be resumed in the near future - Maybe I'll do something about James Blunt (Blount) next.

P.S. if you want a higher-resolution version of the 'Dandy Nation' logo to make some stickers to stick on your nearest lamp-post or whatever, drop me an email, and I'll send you one

Please note: sticking anything on lamp-posts could be seen as defacement of property and you might get into trouble - So make sure you do it when it's dark

There's one born every minute

You know what I hate?

Well, yes, stupid people, drivers of black MR2s that sit right up my trumpet going down the A45 this morning, haggis, gardening, chavs, pikies, people with whiny voices, people who eat noisily, shellfish, fruit in curries, drawn-on eyebrows, carrying so many plastic shopping bags that your finger-ends go white, other people's children and the French.

OK, no-one could have expected any of you guys to know that entire list, or the fact that what I'm about to waffle on about isn't actually on it.

At this precise moment in time, the thing that I hate more than anything in the Western World are things like this:

I've blanked out the poor kid's face for a couple of reasons...

1) No-one except possibly a facio-maxillary surgeon really wants to look at a picture of a child that's allegedly been shot in the face.
2) The privacy of the portrayed individual.
3) I have no idea whether this picture is actually of the person described in the text.
4) I have no idea whether the incident described in the text actually happened.

You'll notice that I haven't blanked out the person who posted this originally, as he knowingly posted this update (but without the face obscured, obvs.) and is therefore happy to have his face spattered all over the Internet.

Please note, I, at no point suggest that Mr Gunzmore, who I assume, from his Facebook page, is some kind of up-and-coming rap star, is using this image as some kind of sordid and heartless advertising tool.

So, what do I particularly hate about it?

Well, apart from the things that I enumerated above, and the fact that it's entirely posted in CAPITAL LETTERS and that the grammar is, quite simply, appalling... Let me post the entire text below, for those trying to read it on mobile devices:

-oOo-

14 YEAR OLD BOY WAS SHOT 6 TIMES BY HIS STEPFATHER . THIS BOY WAS PROTECTING HIS LITTLE 6 YEAR OLD SISTER WHO WAS ABOUT TO BE RAPED BY THIS POOR ... EXCUSE OF A MAN . THE LITTLE GIRL DID NOT GET HURT , THANKS TO HER BRAVE OLDER BROTHER . THEIR MOM WAS AT WORK WHEN THIS HAPPENED . NOW THIS BRAVE YOUNG LITTLE BOY IS FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE , BUT DOCTORS SAY HE WILL NOT SURVIVE UNLESS HE GETS AN OPERATION WHICH IS COSTLY AND HIS MOM CANNOT PAY .ALL FACE BOOK COMPANIES HAVE AGREED TO DONATE 45 CENTS FOR EVERY TIME SOMEONE POSTS THIS TO THEIR WALL . SO , PLEASE SHARE THIS ON YOUR WALL . SO , THAT TOGETHER WE CAN HELP SAVE THIS BOYS LIFE .I JUST PASSED THIS MESSAGE DOWN AND "SHARE" FOR A LITTLE LIFE#HUMANITY COSTS NOTHING

NB; My post ain't about likes or shares its all about "humanity and charity service"

‪#‎join‬ US ( only if you cool) ;

Stay blessed world - make peace not WAR !

-oOo-

I have removed the gentleman's link to his Facebook page that Gunzmore put in after the 'Join US (only if you [sic] cool)' message, as leaving that in was just a little too sordid even for me.

So, let's see what is actually says (I'm not going to bother putting the word 'allegedly' in after every statement, you just go ahead and imagine I have, OK?)  So, a fourteen year old boy, trying to stop his Stepfather raping his little sister, gets shot six times.  Let's all take a look at the picture... The fact that you can't see any wounds would say to me that all of the damage in in the bit you can't see, i.e. the face.  Now, I have seen what's in the blanked out area - Don't get me wrong, it's not pretty, and a lot of his head is bandaged but it's more the sort of thing you'd expect to see if the child in question had been beaten with a bat.

The picture itself seems to have been taken in an Emergency Room, where even my rudimentary knowledge of the American Health System, backed up with a good five minutes research on Google, says that treatment for immediate life threatening trauma is free, certainly to a child.  Even the most heartless, jobsworth, doctors will not let a child die as a result of a crime because his parents cannot afford to pay for treatment.

And even if they would...

Facebook WILL NOT donate money to causes that are advertised by individuals in this way.  Mark Zuckerberg (who I really shouldn't have to introduce to you if you're reading this... And if you're not, I'm not going to introduce him out of spite.) regularly makes massive donations of his own money and Facebook shares to Charity.

Unless he means all of the fifteen million or so companies that have a Facebook presence? - The Chimping Dandy was never asked to take part, and neither was the company that currently pays my wages, despite having a number of Facebook pages.

So, We'll tot it up shall we?

There's a crime that may not have happened (+1) perpetrated by and on people who may well not exist (+1) and a boy that was certainly injured, but probably wasn't injured in the way described (+1), who definitely would not be allowed to die for financial reasons (+1) who could not be saved by such a plea, because Facebook doesn't operate like that (+1)

If I've added that up correctly, there are five instances of things you can happily call B*llsh*t on in one badly laid out paragraph without even thinking about it too hard.

So, can someone tell me why it has 358,591 likes, 53,573 comments and has been shared 628,657 times? (at the time of writing at least) - Which if it were true would mean that the un-named child would already have received $161,365.95 - If the 'Facebook Companies' just means Facebook itself, or $2,420,489,250,000.00 (Two and a half Trillion Dollars) if every company on Facebook donates 45c for every Like...

And that's only by Mr Gunzmore's share alone... If every one of the 628,657 people that shared it got a couple of likes, not only would we have saved the boy's life, he would now own the entirety of the known universe.

Does any of this seem a little bit unlikely to you yet?

I mean, it's all a lie, but some lies are at least believable aren't they? 

People can say things like 'No, it's perfectly fine that you used my toothbrush to clean the dog's rectum and took two weeks to tell me, I'll just buy a new one, no biggie.' - You might be able to believe the person who said that, if you were very simple, or if the person whose brush you used was a Buddhist Monk, legally and religiously obliged not to kill you with a rusty spoon.

I don't mean to single out Mr Gunzmore, I'm sure that he's a wonderful person who loves his mother very dearly - We've all seen the pictures of babies with lesions from some terrible illness, and young, dehydrated African children covered in flies that they are too weak to wave away.

They're terrible, and it shouldn't happen... But really, liking the image will not help their plight in the slightest, no-one will donate money to some unspecified cause because of you clicking a mouse and then scrolling down to see a picture of a cat asleep in a shoe.

Share them if you must, to raise awareness of the issue, but do me a favour if you will.

Take the time to see if the story that you're promoting is true, check Snopes Which is a great Urban Legend resource and can let you know with a quick search whether you're going to look an idiot when you press 'Post', and think what it is that you're promoting if it says 'For every like we get, 45c will be donated to the cause.'

Promoting a lie makes you a liar, and I know that no-one who reads The Chimping Dandy would admit to being one of those.

So, as a certain training shoe manufacturer may once have almost said, 'Just Don't Do It.'