Carry me back, baby, where I come from.

Well yes, as Messers Page & Plant might say, 'It's been a long time' (See what I did there?)

But what's been a long time?

It's been a long time (been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time) since we've had a 'State of the Dandy Nation' speech.

So, what's happened in the last... Erm... four months maybe?

I'll start with the top ten posts ever. There are a few changes, certainly, but the most noticable thing is that there's a joint number one - Two posts have had exactly the same number of views as each other - Which is so unlikely that it's prompted me to have a go on the lottery this weekend.  (I'm not going to be giving it the whole Smashie & Nicey 'And straight in at number 10' business because I haven't been keeping track of the movement - Yes, this is bad, and I feel bad.)

-oOo-

10 - Our least best post, if that makes sense, is: And then I killed Bobby Davro - The story of a trip I took to one of our great country's theme parks.  Where there was screaming, rending, and the enforced fighting (probably to the death) between two innocent wild animals.

9 - A NSFW Tweet about a time in my life when I used to see live bands on a regular basis, this particular live band were pretty much all naked, and performed repeated coitus with a member of the crowd - \m/ Rockbitch are so NSFW that it's not even funny \m/

8 - Now, this one's deeply personal to me, which I why I shared it with a thousand people who I don't know on The Internet.  It's the story of my Father's death from Cancer.  It doesn't contain many belly laughs, but I've received a few messages to say it's helped people in similar situations, which is nice - Today, my Dad died

7 - You leave me bent and broken by the roadside - The story of the final days of the MK I Dandymobile. And it's repeated, abortive, trips to the car spares shop.

6 - This post is my finest moment, it is because of this that I realised that I'd become one of the true Twitterati, a God amongst men, a harvestman scything my way through a field, reeling in the sheaves of my devoted followers (Oh, and it also got re-tweeted by Rufus Hound and favourited by Al Murray, so I win the Internet, Ner!) - Pogonophilia is for everyone, even the young

5 - Oh blimey, more Death... I guess I'm just of that age where people I know are shuffling off this mortal coil with increasing regularity. - Sabian, the Token Yank - Describes my relationship with one of the nicest colonials anyone could ever possibly hope to meet, except you can't... Because, you know, he's no longer with us.  Holds the record for the most comments from people I don't strictly know, including his family.

4 - Learn to govern yourself, be gentle and patient - Is a 'Steampunked' description, of the workings of the very real Brookwood Cemetery, and British Funerary custom in the 19th Century (The title is a lyric from the glorious The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing's song 'Etiquette' - Which you should all rush off and listen to immediately.)

3 - I still don't get this one, - No, it is not a 'Slow News Day' - This particular post is very similar to this particular post... No, hang on, I mean that it's just the same as the post you're reading now.  It's a 'State of the Dandy Nation post' from September 2013.  You guys are seriously weird.

=1- The first of out two top posts, with more than a hundred more views than any other (Except the one below, obvs) is - You get me closer to God - Which is a no-holds-barred, blow-by-blow account of the events leading up to, and including, then entry of my Son, The MicroDandy, into the Kingdom of God via the medium of Baptism - If you're hugely fundamentalist, you might not want to read this, it does poke a little bit of fun at Mother Church, and the people who only go there once a year.

=1- The second of our first place entries is about Facebook, especially the people who blindly share sob-stories without checking their facts.  You know, those people who send you things with pictures of fly-covered children who will get a life-saving operation if the post gets 100,000 likes - There's one born every minute - Got a comment on this one from an irate, but anonymous American, which is worth a read on its own - He was very angry, I think he needs to eat less protein.

So, if you want a quick introduction to the sort of piffle I write, you could do worse than taking a look at those (Bear in mind that those are the best as voted for by you, the public, and you're notoriously fickle.)

-oOo-

We now come to the ever-popular 'What have people Googled to find the blog?' section... Depressingly, not as much as usual - I'm putting this down to more of my adoring fans bookmarking me, but popular search terms in the last quarter have included:

Dzit Dit Gaii - Which managed to find my post about Denver International Airport

Tiswas David McKellar - This pointed the seacher towards my review of the 40th anniversary party for TISWAS in Birmingham which I was honoured enough to attend.

-oOo-

As far as hits on the blog goes, in the previous quarter, we had 6,066, bringing our total up to 40,331 at the last count.

Which, as I'm not pretty, don't get my boobs out, don't advertise, don't provide a cogent service of any kind and am just really a fat, bald, bloke who's only just on the right side of 50, isn't that bad.

Nope, not bad at all.

And we have a (politically incorrect) Winner!

You know how I said that you guys should really get involved in the Blog, by asking questions or suggesting themes or even sending in whole Blogs yourself?

No?

Well, I did and I would prove it if I could be bothered to go back and find where I said it... But seeing as I've still got 30,000 words to write on my real book before 31st. December and I'm chronically lazy, you're going to have to take my word for it.

Anywho, someone has offered their work up to you, you baying throng, you howling horde, for your entertainment and edification.

A little background... The writer of this piece is my good friend Ian, I've known him for years and years, and he's a thoroughly splendid chap.  He does think that some of my more 'off the wall' ideas, such as re-instating the British Empire, and claiming back the colonies by force and/or unilateral use of biological weapons are a bit 'limp' and don't go far enough.

He recently moved from Old England to New England and is currently working as a sleeper agent in Her Majesties Revolutionary Pacification Army.

He was recently forced to endure an Anti-Harassment seminar (I don't think it was just him... There were other people there too, probably.) and as it was arranged by an American company, it was hideously politically correct... He had some views on some of its themes.

If you are American, then this sort of thing is normal for you, and I apologise.  (Not for any offense, implied or inferred, more in a sort of 'You're American? Really? Oh, I'm so very sorry...' kind of way.)

I'm kidding - And we kid the people we love, right?

Anyway, I'll hand you over to Ian... Enjoy!

-oOo-

I just completed our company's mandatory online anti-harassment training course.... What a load of old cobblers.... Of course most of it is common sense ... For example ... Don't greet colleagues of either sex by grabbing their genitals in the style of Mick 'crocodile' Dundee ...

But aside from being a ridiculous waste of 3 minutes which I could have better spent researching dirty jokes on the internet, it did get me to thinking that the laws and precedents set are all about actions and events... Rude comments, unwanted attention, provocative posters ... In the areas of gender, sexuality, genetic data, country of origin etc...

What about the situation where someone is excluded from participation, (without being aware), or more obviously are excluded from a conversation by virtue of the fact that the other team members are all speaking in a language not understood by 'the victim' (a quick note to my Dutch, Spanish, Brazilian, Thai, Malay, Swedish, Norwegian, German, (Geordie), Irish, Portuguese, Swiss and Iraqi friends and colleagues -- this is not directed at you)....

One would not know if a joke was being made at your expense, or if they agreed that 'yes' your bum really does look big in that dress, or (breaking the cussing rule) that you are a f*k1ng moron and 5h1t at your job....

Surely deliberately obfuscating your conversation by speaking in a language you know (or think) the 'victim' cannot understand (when you know everyone speaks perfect French for example) counts as 'creating a hostile working environment'?

Interesting right? So where does one draw the line? Apparently repeatedly asking someone to join you for coffee could result in a law suit in the US .... WTF?
Strangely there is no mention of things like body odor, halitosis or the highly offensive practices of spitting or 'snooking' which are considered culturally acceptable in India, the Middle East and certain parts of Bradford....

How about instead of creating a legal framework for persecution, paranoia, discrimination and litigation, we ensure everyone receives training in the immortal teachings of Bill and Ted....

BE EXCELLENT TO ONE ANOTHER

.....Because 10 commandments are too hard, and most obviously discriminatory.


This is a lengthy rant by the way, so unless you are on your lunch break or in the bath perhaps, you'd better go back to browsing amusing videos of cats attacking printers or heart-wrenching puppy pleas.....

One of the questions on the aforementioned training course (scenario based) was related to provocative dressing... Let me provide some background....

Staring (repeatedly) by which I assume they mean with either desire or disgust at a colleague counts as 'creating a hostile work place'

Here is an abridged version of the 'test question'

Q: If a colleague says to you, "women who dress in a sexually provocative way deserve to be ogled and stared at, they obviously want it", what is the most appropriate response (multiple/idiot choice 1 of a possible 3)....

First of all I'm thinking 'yes, I could hear myself saying that', next thought process says ' but I know that's not the answer they want'.., third step of evaluation is that 'that's not even one of the possible answers'

The correct answer is predictably effing lame

'You shouldn't assume from the way someone dresses that they will not be offended by attention, of comments of a lewd nature' ... More 'ollocks!!!!

... But let's play this out ... (Because it's fun).....

Anna turns up to work in the morning wearing a short skirt revealing the tops if her suspenders, 4" heels, a black bra under a white blouse with the top 4 buttons undone exposing most of her cleavage, and enough makeup to qualify as a global pollution event with the UN..., you get the picture....
(Calm yourselves male readers)....

If I stare at Anna - I'm harassing her? Parts of my body that my brain can't reach are vehemently disagreeing... Just because of biology!! Surely, dressed in this way Anna can cause car crashes with a blink of her mascara laden lashes; and could probably kill a male OAP even without his glasses on from about 400 yards by just blowing him a kiss. And you -- (the man) are telling me that I am guilty of harassment, if I do nothing more than fix my eyes on her and fail to prevent my jaw from bouncing off my shoes? 'ck off!!!

You are also telling me she might have dressed that way because it projects a professional image? And there is no way that she might be seeking ANY kind of professional advantage based purely on the fact that she knows she looks devastatingly hot and the CEO has a weakness for blonds? Or that actually her main hobby is watching weak willed men walk into lamp posts? 'ollocks!!!

Hmm ok, let's try a little role reversal....

Let's say Adam.... Who's in his mid 20's, is 6'2 and built like a brick privy, turns up to work wearing cowboy boots, chaps, a leather g-backed thong and waistcoat combo, with just a touch of eyeliner to accentuate his piercing blue eyes which complement his unruly, thick blond locks flowing down a perfectly sculpted jaw with just the right amount of stubble..... (Girl readers take a breath .... We're done...,.)
Just a couple of things..... Who the 'uck isn't going to stare at that? You think for one second he's not enjoying the attention and actively seeking it? Did Adam get out of bed this morning and say ....'oh I'm just so bored with slacks and a shirt perhaps I'll wear something more interesting today'? ....

As a once upon a time introvert, I can testify to the fact that people who do not want to draw attention to themselves do not own, rent or more importantly wear to work, 4" stiletto pumps in patent crimson, nor do they expose any more skin than is necessary to avoid suffocation....
This is true for both boys and girls,
So, people of America (and elsewhere to avoid prosecution) wake the *#%* up and smell the dunkin'... Every individual has a responsibility to dress, behave, talk, and interact in a way that is conducive to promoting the desired, appropriate responses from their colleagues and fellow humans....you get what you dress for!...
Everyone also had the right to drool, gag or take a sharp I take of breath and even stare, yes that's right have their eyes focused on something that attracts their subconscious for a prolonged period - without fear of prosecution.

Now where did I put those chaps and my spare eyeliner??