Excelsior!

As has already been mentioned, I am a Superhero... At least to small children who don't know any better. And as Stan Lee once said (or FDR, or Jesus, depending on who you believe) "With great power comes great responsibility" This is of course totally true, and now I am greatly empowered by the Internet, I will try to become responsible for at least some of your entertainment.

Isn't it strange that (arguably) the two 'coolest' Superheros - Batman & Iron Man, have no superpowers whatsover, no unassisted flight, no transmogrification, telepathy or ability to smell things from a profoundly long distance. What they do have is cash, and plenty of it - Want to fly, see in the dark or have weaponry extruded from your own orifices? Well, cold hard cash is your friend - According to Forbes, approximately $10,000,000,000 will see you be able to set yourself up as either of the cool crusaders.

If I'm honest, I don't have that kind of money... So, what do you do if you can't buy Superhero-dom, you're not from another dimension/planet and you don't fancy being bitten by anything (radioactive or otherwise).

Well obviously, you make it up... But then that opens another can of deep fried, crispy, Winston Hobbes'. What superpowers do you arbitrarily give yourself? You can discount the whole flying thing straight away, I mean, you can't pretend to fly... Well, I mean you can, but usually only the once, and onlookers would probably describe it more as falling, especially to the reporter from the local paper, just before they said 'He was a nice man, he kept himself to himself'. You could probably, just about, give yourself super(ish)-strength - Given enough time, discipline and motivation I suppose... Which are, of course, the three main reasons that I'll never have that. (See also: Mad acrobatic / Ninja skills, swordplay, accuracy whilst throwing stuff or even being able to play 'Smoke on the Water on the Electric Guitar)

So, we need to think outside of the box, really get the grey-matter jiggling about - Go to the esoteric end of the scale - I have thought about, and rapidly discounted:

• Being able to make things taste slightly different
• Lengthening the shelf life of cut flowers
• Instantly doubling the number of bubbles in a standard bottle of carbonated drink

But only because of their lack of crime fighting applications and the fact that they are a bit pants. Then I found it, the perfect pretend super-power...

Wait for it...

I can stop time! - for as long as I like!... You don't believe me?

OK, I'll do it now. 3... 2... 1... *Bamff* Ha! you didn't notice did you? That's because I actually stopped time, you were frozen in an actual bubble... of time! My only problem is, I stopped too which is a bit of an issue where using it for anything even remotely heroic is concerned - I'm working on it, honest.

Just think though, if you could actually do that, with a thought, or pressing a button on an old watch you found in an antique shop that had magically disappeared when you tried to take it back because it never told the right time. With a *click* or *Bamff* or *Boop* everyone around you freezes and you are free to do whatever you like... Think of the possibilities... Erm... Ah... Now try to think of possibilities that don't involve changing rooms, stealing money or anything involving the words sneaking, inappropriate or without being caught.

Oh my Gods... I'm a SuperVillain!

What a Maroon!

Originally  posted on facebook 20/11/12

It's a good thing that someone commented on this Facebook post this morning, else I would never have spotted that I'd not actually Blogged, the Facebook post, where everyone said I should start a Blog... What am I? (Don't answer that)

I saw a joke, well - not really a joke as such, I'm sure there's a proper word for it, but it went something like 'What's the most difficult thing about being a Gay, Vegan, tattooed, Wiccan, single parent to an adopted Somali child, who runs marathons regularly and rides a Harley? Trying to figure out which one to shoe-horn into the conversation first when you meet someone new."

Whilst I realise that there are people who might find that offensive, especially if they tick more than one box, it does highlight the recent trend for 'just being bloody Gods-Damned interesting'

Now, lets get the feather smoothing out of the way first, Don't get me wrong, there are people who are born gay, there are people who don't eat animal products or wholeheartedly believe in The Summerland because of deeply held moral beliefs, people who have tattoos to document meaningful events in their life or to show affiliation to specific groups etc. But there are an increasing number of people who do it just so that they can say that they do it.

Or, as I like to call them, gits

The kind of people who, if you stripped away the overpriced clothes, and their amusingly ironic accessories, they'd be a medium sized steaming pile of not very much at all. Slavish followers of whatever the style mags (Because they're too 'now' to watch TV of course) say is 'Bang on trend' this month. People who try so hard to be interesting that the day-to-day populace would rather pluck out their eyes with rusty pickle-forks and throw them to the ravens than have to look at them.

What these hyper-informed, too cool for school, infra-fabulous people should realise is that your average human being is an amazing piece of kit, as the Prince of Denmark once said to Rozencrantz: "What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals." (Although I have seen the word Paragon replaced with Paramore - And that's a whole different website) - If they just relaxed a bit, took a day off from being an aspirational lighthouse, they could celebrate their individuality by being an individual, be the best person in the world at being themselves. They'll find they have a much smoother ride.

Unless of course, they're aspiring to be Batman... Then they should definately try to be the best Batman they can be...