What's wrong with you?
At this particular moment in time - Is there anything wrong? - Anything playing on your mind that you've done? - Are you heavier than you should be after eating two whole packets of chocolate biscuits? - Do you feel guilty for throwing away masses of food that you bought for Christmas that's just past its sell-by date because you put it in a 'hamper' and forgot about it? - Do you have massive debts due to credit card repayments or payday loans?
And whose fault is that?
Because I know my audience, I know that every single one of you just looked at your feet, which were busy shuffling uncomfortably, and thought 'It's my fault.'
Not My Fault... Not The Chimping Dandy's fault, Don't blame me! I mean, 'my' as in 'your' fault... Oh Gods, this is going all kinds of wrong. What I mean to say is that you all have a passing acquaintance at least, with the notion of responsibility.
Here are a couple of bad things that I know and freely admit about myself:
I am heavy - about 260lbs - This is because I eat things that are bad for me a lot of the time and don't exercise enough, because I am lazy. (Although I am a little over 6', so that offsets it a little, but not much.) And occasionally, I get out of breath just by thinking too hard about kittens.
I am lazy - This is because I lack motivation, a huge number of the things I like to do can be done sitting down, or lying down, or asleep.
I am broke, pretty much all of the time - This is because I'm an idiot, with the financial good sense of a one-legged gecko wearing a threadbare top-hat and a tarnished monocle and have, in the past, maxed out many a credit card trying to keep up with the latest technology and / or just entertaining myself (whilst sitting down, obviously).
And who do I blame?
Well, I blame me of course, these are all things that I knowingly did to myself over an extended period of time. I'm an idiot, but I'm not stupid... Contrary to what many of you might secretly think.
But, did you know there are people out there, you might know some of them, that are perfect? People who never make a mistake? People for who life is one febreze-scented tiptoe through the tulips after another?
We should feel sorry for these people, deeply, deeply sorry, because they are targets. Every time one of these poor, Perfect People eats anything, or goes in the shower, or buys something, or goes to the shops they are targeted by cartels of mean-spirited corporate shills whose only passion in life is to force terrible things to happen to them over and over again.
I mean, if we go back to my example above, where one (or more *cough*) of us bought way too much food for Christmas and then threw it away because it 'went bad', we might think, because we are thoroughly normal people, that we should probably have bought less, and will try to remember that there are not 200 people in our immediate family next year.
But if you were a Perfect Person, you could think something like 'Look how [Insert vast Supermarket Conglomerate of your choice] have conspired to make me buy too much food by having all this tasty looking stuff for sale just before Christmas, forcing me to spend money I haven't got on things I don't really need or even particularly like. I shall report this to the local News service and see if I can get some guilt-fueled recompense.'
Staying with Christmas, you and I, the normal types with 2.4 children, may well have said, in mid-Deceember, after looking at their childrens' Christmas lists 'Damn, they want the brand-new game of Invasion of the Star-Killerons 7 for their XBox 360, but it costs £60. I can only really afford Invasion of the Star-Killerons 6, which was released six months ago and is now only £40... So they'll have to make do with that.'
But not the Perfect People, they would read that note, and a message would automatically be sent by a special App that had been downloaded onto the Brand New Apple iPhone 5S that they had recently been forced to buy by a man in the street, to the controllers of the daytime TV channel that they were watching. This triggered an advert for a pay-day loan company to appear during the next break which would show an insanely happy child opening a brand new XBox One, complete with the Invasion of the Star-Killerons 7 Special XBox One Edition, with a limited edition T-Shirt and limited edition hat and limited edition soundtrack CD in a limited edition case that just won't fit on the shelf with all of their other games. They ring the number, apply for the £600 pound loan and are accepted immediately, then stick their fingers in their ears and go 'La-La-La' whilst the terms and conditions (including the 4,267% APR interest rate) are explained to them, because, despite being Perfect, they think it all sounds a bit scary.
Then when the first repayment is due, they scream and cry and wail at the payday loan company for making it too easy for them to borrow money. 'You should have said no to me!' They will cry, 'I didn't know that it was going to be so expensive.' they will shout through gritted teeth (Which is very difficult, you should give it a try, although only Perfect People can really manage it) and have a picture taken for the local paper showing them with their very sad, very pudgy faces and reddened tear-stained eyes pointing at the four year old child that they borrowed the money to appease playing happily on their new games console, the digitised gore from the 18 rated game splattering the screen of the 60" HD 3D Smart TV that they bought him for his birthday in October.
Do you feel sorry for these people yet?
Imagine the feeling they must have knowing that nothing they do is their own fault, everything that happens to them happens because of evil corporations who have nothing better to do than constantly force them into making decisions that, despite making perfect sense at the time, end up biting them in the rear end?
Poor Perfect People... Why will someone not start a charity to help them, the poor lambs?
Please send your donations to The Chimping Dandy at the usual address, quoting reference 'Wake up and smell the Pangolin, you meat-headed, responsibility-free sacks of offal, what the hells are you teaching your kids?'
First three responders will get a voucher for a free muffin from Greggs and a part-completed application form for a pay-day loan.