Twitter is a social network that tries to emulate the early days of text messaging, where you were only allowed a small number of characters in each message. The main difference is that you can send your message to anyone who has an account - Whether that person knows you, is in a different country, speaks a different language, isn't particularly interested in seeing a blurry photo of you that you took in the toilet of your nearest Burger King, or - And this is the one I want to concentrate on today, famous.
A vast proportion of famous people have twitter accounts, many of them are run by a P.R. Company and say uninteresting things like 'Mr Douglas will be in Palm Springs playing the part of Darren/Ophelia in Gay: The Musical - Tickets are still available.'
But, the interesting ones run the accounts themselves, and you can tell in a lot of cases, because they 'tweet' photographs of their lunch, or complain that they can't fit the kettle in the sink of their dressing rooms. It's these people I like to send messages to, they don't often reply, I mean, they probably get a kajillion messages a day from actual fans, why would they take the time to reply to a bald, fat chancer, who lives to make himself giggle like an incontinent schoolgirl?
I present you with a selection of my favourite Twitter moments, along with a list of people who didn't see fit to reply, and who can blame them?
There was Shelley D'Inferno, popular Alternative model and Clothing Designer (and sometime fan of the Blog)
And I blamed writer and actor Steve Edge for one of the MiniDandy's emotional outbursts
And then of course there's my all time personal greatest, TV's Mr Nice, Martyr to getting stuff in his eye and having to have a bit of a lie-down: Mr Nick Knowles.
(I think I may have said that he looked like a badly looked after leather suitcase)
As well as plain old 'replying' there are three other ways you can feel good about yourself - If someone who is a 'someone' follows you...
If that someone 'Favourites' a tweet, which I guess is what you do instead of pressing 'Like' on Facebook
And then there's the Re-Tweet - What Twitter's really all about, it's the equivalent of a 'Share' on Facebook
I didn't get a reply from these guys though, and it was a crime...
(I think the restraining order went to my old address...)
And Mulder & Scully should be interviewing this baker in the near future:
This did not get me a bye through the selection procedure for MasterChef UK
(it was THIS recipe by the way)
People who have never replied also include, but are not limited to:
Russell Brand (@RustyRockets) - I accused him of trying to have sex with a character from Mad Max,
Jack Whitehall (jackwhitehall) - Comedian - I warned him against using The Chimping Dandy as his Superhero name.
James May (@MrJamesMay) - Top Gear presenter and model train enthusiast - poked at him many times,
Jeri Ryan (@JeriLRyan) Seven of Nine from Star Trek - It was about chocolate covered babies heads and whether she wore a corset under her costume,
Charlie Brooker (@CharltonBrooker) - Told him how much of a Fanboi I was for Black Mirror
Omid Djalilli (@omid9) - The worlds greatest Persian comedian - I offered to be his scriptwriter, I think he made the right decision,
Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) - I think I may have drunkenly referred to him as 'Da Man' *ashamed*
Neil Patrick Harris (@ActuallyNPH) - I asked him if he minded me comparing Barney Stinson to a Pangolin,
Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) - genius comedian/actor - Gave him some tattoo moving ideas using a cheesegrater.
The Pope (@Pontifex) - Although i was arguing the case for my ex-communication - No, really, I was
Professor Brian Cox (@ProfBrianCox) - Cosmic Scientist and Disco Keyboardist - Many futile attempts,
Peter Serafinowicz (@serafinowicz) - The voice of Darth Maul - I asked if he would rather have a French waiter with a small or large penis,
Davina McCall (@ThisIsDavina) - General TV Personality and worrier - I tried to organise a petition to get her manky shoes shown on television,
Sir Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) - THE Captain Picard - I asked him if he was going to guest star in Sons of Anarchy
Pollyanna Woodward (@PollyannaWW) - Ex Gadget Show, May have got drunk and told her I was wearing my wife's pants,
Jeremy Clarkson (@JeremyClarkson) - BBC's Top Gear etc. - Although I'm fairly sure that he's read the Blog entry about Top Gear
William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) Captain Kirk from Star Trek - And he answers everyone... *sniff*