Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Steve the Hedge
Kids are great, aren't they though? I like kids so much that I went and got some of my own. I decided to get one of each, you know, so I could experience both sides of the coin as it were.
I know that a few of you out there in the Blogosphere have children. I mean, I've accidentally read... Oh, I don't know... Literally tens of Blogs that say things like:
'And this is little Clinton taking his first steps, we bought a new deep-pile carpet for the whole house in case he falls over.'
'Jocasta looks absolutely scrummy in this Anne Geddes original Bumblebee costume that I bought from Fortnum & Mason (in the sale, Tarquin tells me that he's not made of money, hahahaha!)'
'We took the BMW so that Phillipe and Hermione could have enough room for all of their imaginary friends'
And I suppose I can sympathise to a degree, net-savvy Yummy-Mummies spending their time between glasses of Veuve Clicquot filling the empty void left in their lives after they gave up their full time job as a Business Analyst or Advertising Executive to be a real woman, just like their own Mothers', by telling their equally vacuous friends how their offspring regularly exceeds the targets that some book or other has set for them, whilst they're trying to re-invent the non-existant neon coloured school satchel market in their spare time.
But for every one of those, I have five, or maybe ten people who I follow via Twitter or Facebook that regularly say things like:
'Oh for God's sake, my idiot offspring has crapped in the bath... AGAIN! And he's NINE!'
'Well, I'd told her not to lick her fingers and put them in the socket, then there was the bang, but I knew she was OK because she was crying.'
'So, I got a call from the school and this very nice lady told me that HellChild had said "That's not a willy... THIS is a willy!" which it seems is frowned upon in a mixed ability PSHE lesson nowadays.'
See if you can guess which of the people I count amongst my friends? I'll give you two guesses, but the first one doesn't count.
Anywho, back to my own little bundles of joy... As I said, there are two of them. The MiniDandy is a teenager, who writes a Blog (very) occasionally, that some of you even follow. She's the thinly veiled heroine of the Edward Teach stories and is quite odd, in an individualistic, original way. She gets her sense of humour, irony, fair play and indignation from me. Her mood swings, irrational behaviour, clothes sense and general female-ality are all from her dear Mother.
My Son, who despises being referred to as The MicroDandy, so I won't, except just then, which he won't see so it doesn't matter. Is a completely different tray of spiced giraffe tongues. He's also odd, don't get me wrong, sometimes supremely odd. I mean, you'll often wake up after having a bit of a snooze on the couch and he'll be standing there, staring at you, just about breaking a smile, then turn around and walk out of the room. He's got a mind like a steel trap, and can find a hole in any argument faster than a Teflon stoat in a greasy Swiss cheese factory.
He's logical, calculating and almost autistically anal about things. Which is great if you need him to remember something, I mean, he can quite honestly quote chapter and verse things that he finds interesting that have happened over the past five years. But ask him what he had for lunch of course and he looks at you as if you're an idiot and says 'Can't remember.' He's also the basis for the Ice-Demon killing, Pig Exploding hero, Mal Ak'hai the Hunter
But he's not one for whimsy, which can be a bit of a handicap in the Dandy household... Or at least he wasn't, until last night... He came into the living room and said,
'Dad, I've written a story, do you want to hear it?'
Being a kind and loving parent, I ignored the obvious, intuitive answer and replied;
'Yes, I'd love to hear your story.' And you know, I'm glad that I did - It's a gem. I present it below, I have taken the liberty of correcting his spelling and punctuation, for clarity's sake.
Steve the hedge lives in fire hydrant land.
Steve is always watered, because of the fire hydrants.
But if you dig a trench, from the lake to Steve, it would make Steve very happy.
It's a thing of beauty, I'm sure you'll all agree. It's got everything, whimsy, abstraction, nonsense, descriptiveness, at the end - fatalism bordering on the Dadaist. I loved it. I've had it framed and I keep it on my desk.
(And yes, for the eagle eyed, that is a whiteboard with a picture of a squid on it behind the frame - What of it?)
I was slightly worried about him, in a John Wyndham, Midwich Cuckoos kinda way, but now I'm not. He's one of the Firm now, definitely 100% on target to be a gen-u-wine, solid gold, stone cold, thousand yard staring, klaxon blaring, Dandy of the old skool...
Maybe of the new school...
Maybe that's even better...
But more likely, very much worse! - MuahahahahahaahahahahahahHAHAHAAHAHhahah!
I think we should all beware, just in case, start stocking up on tins, maybe dig a fallout shelter. Because if either of the smaller Dandies ever makes a bid for global domination, the chances are that it's going to be him.
Yet another reason I'm sinking all of my spare cash into the space program.