But, why would Saint Petey say that?

A conversation on Facebook caught my eye this morning.  An ex-workmate of mine asked an open question along the lines of 'Do you think that it's OK for my partner to go out to bars and party, but to go completely honey-badger stranglingly mental when I try to do it?'

The answer was a resounding 'No!' and that's where it all finished.

Well... Not exactly, most of the people who replied said no, one chap played (hopefully) Devil's advocate and said that maybe he was trying to protect her from sexually predatorial men.

I should probably explain that the young lady in question lives in The Colonies, and once talked me through a list of the firearms that she owns, including her special gun that she uses for hunting ducks whilst she is mounted... I presume she meant on horseback, but you never know with her.

She also told me about the time where she left a 'Store' and found someone trying to steal her truck, I can't remember whether she discharged the firearm that she keeps in her purse on this particular occasion, or just waved it at him, but he ran away, fearing for his life.

So, she can probably look after herself under most conditions, and it wasn't as if she was talking about putting on a leather mini-skirt and boob-tube and twerking her way across the Southern United States, just a few drinks with the girls from work after their shift ended (Or maybe before it started - I know how soul destroying working for that particular company can be - it made me quit to write a book).

Like I said, I was reading through it, nodding away to myself, and then someone had to go and quote the Bible.  Specifically 1 Peter 3:1, which states:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.

Now, I may have mentioned before that whilst I freely admit to believing in a supreme being, I think the Bible, as translated, is a bit of a mixed bag of things that various people thought might be a good idea at the time.  Which is why an awful lot of it doesn't make any sense and people really shouldn't put much stock in it.

But what it is good for is quoting out of context to prove a point -  

Things like convincing your wife not to force you to have a vasectomy: Deuteronomy 23:1 says:

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.

(apologies to all the surviviors of testicular cancer, or any of our brave servicemen who have had their 'stones' blown off by an IED, but you're not welcome at Church anymore)

Or stopping your kids having 'potty mouths' at home, because Leviticus 20:9 tells us that:

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

And, whilst I'm the first person to shake my head at the 'You mustn't smack your kids' brigade, I'm not as pro-Child abuse as Psalms 137:9 seems to be.

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

Actually, thinking about that one, I hope that it means real, rocky stones, not figurative 'stones' like in the quote from Deuteronomy above, that would put a bit of a darker cast on it wouldn't it?

And, that if your Brother, like, dies and stuff 'without issue', that you should totally get his widow pregnant to honour him, or something.. But it's definitely not adultery or anything. Like it says in Mark 12:19

Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man's brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother.

I mean, I love my Sister-in-law, but... Well, I'm afraid that I fell at the first hurdle above...

So, that's prejudice against the disabled, a little light filicide / child abuse / possible peadophilia, and sexual relationships with members your own family given a big thumbs up by the 'Good Book' if you cherry-pick which bits you choose to believe in - Which most people do.

There are literally thousands of these kinds of things that can be twisted and flipped around to serve almost any purpose, and I could go on and on (and usually do) about them.

-oOo-

But I'll leave you with a little project of your own, brought to my attention by the very wonderful author Mr Neil Gaiman.

If you've got a few minutes spare today, and have a bible to hand, or have access to the Internet in your lunch-hour - Go and read Judges 19:20-30 

The Bible really does have a quote you can use in every situation, right?

Decide what to do, and speak out... Indeed.

That's NOT exacly what I meant, but...

'Change your material to fit your audience' they always say - Although they also say 'Cut your coat to suit your cloth' and 'Many a slip twixt cup and lip' and they may as well be Klingon for all the sense they make to me. One day, I shall hunt down these 'They' who say all these things and slap their nonsensical legs with a spikey deep-sea fish of some kind.

Anyway, material / audience... Right. There are some things you cannot say to some people - You can't say F**khead or W****r or S**t-eating Hobbit-faced slime-spewer who I would quite literally rather R*m-j*b a dead goat than talk to, to a small child who had just dropped their lollypop on the carpet.

You cannot say 'Race you!' and run off up a flight of stairs to someone suffering from a spinal injury and currently using a wheelchair (however temporarily) unless there is ample, high-speed, disabled access to the next floor up.

It is also frowned upon to call into question the cabling and electrical termination ability of our cousins from the Indian Subcontinent, unless you are a male member of the Royal family who can trace their recent parentage to the Hellenic areas.

However, the most fragile, the most pitfall strewn, the most likely vocal interaction to see you hung by the neck until you are dead is simply the one between an adult male and an adult female. There is not a single, solitary thing that one can say to the other that cannot be misconstrued as an attack on their masculinity/femininity/size/weight/length/sense of humo(u)r or general physiognomy.

Seemingly simple interrogatives such as 'Are you OK?' or 'Would you like me to do that?' are often misheard as 'What the hell's wrong with you this time, you petulant harridan' or 'For Jebus' sake will you stop fannying around with that and let someone significantly higher up the foodchain have a go'

You cannot comment that a member of the opposite sex is anything other than yoghurt-explodingly ugly unless you want your throw-away comment to be processed by your nearest and dearest's brain into the phrase 'Yes, they are a significantly more appealing sexual partner than you, and I would, should an opportunity present itself be up it (or on it) like a wombat on tepid custard'

I can virtually guarantee that everyone, male or female is nodding in agreement at this moment in time, apart from Mrs Dandy, who is thinking 'He's talking about me!' and hatching a plan to seperate me from parts of my anatomy that, which though sadly no longer functional, I still have a certain masculine attachment to.

Why do we do this? are we all so insecure? - You'll notice that I said WE there, I am just as likely to mishear 'And then Brian said...' as 'And whilst Brian was taking me roughly from behind, four other naked, priapic, men came in carrying a sign that said...' as anyone else, more so probably as my imagination is somewhat colourful compared to some.

Are we so eager to believe that our loved ones are evil that we constantly try to find the hidden meanings in what they say to us? Or is it that deep-down, we don't believe that we deserve to be loved?

Crap! we're all freaks - We should plan a yearly event, maybe one that lasts a whole month, where we take everything that anyone we supposedly trust says to us at face value. No second-guessing, no reading between the lines - We could call it, erm... Oh bugger, I don't know, something like Truthtember (only less gay-sounding) and celebrate it with cards that say things like 'Your Sister's good looking' and 'I work with someone whose shoulders are wider than yours'

I think it would be good for us all in the long run.