Is it safe?

I've worked in IT for nearly thirty years now... You're surprised, I know I come across as young and vibrant and thrusting, but in the real world I am a decrepit husk, kept alive only by a room of complicated machinery whose gloop-filled pipes take care of my every biological whim.

The years worth of IT based stories that you've read already have given you an idea of the sort of things that happen on a daily basis and result in the kind of enlarged foreheads that you often see on IT support people (This is not from increased brain capacity, even though that's what they'd have you believe, it's purely from the constant banging of heads against desks, walls, or in some extreme cases, the users themselves.)

But, if I were to have to pick a single 'thing' that causes more calls than anything else, it would have to be passwords.

July and August used to be the traditional 'busy' times for people to ask to have their passwords reset.  I get that, people go away on holiday and forget their passwords, it happens.  It's annoying, but it happens.  But more and more it's getting to be over Bank Holiday weekends, these people come back on a Tuesday morning, sit at their desks surrounded by pictures of their sticky faced kids and the pen-holder made out of a jam-jar covered in plaster and gravel and their minds go blank. They'll sit there with their fingers hovering like eagle's claws over the keyboard for a good few minutes, wracking their brains to remember what they'd set it to on the Wednesday before, before they pick up the phone and call 'The Helpdesk'.

The standard conversation goes a little bit like this...

-oOo-

'Hello support, Dandy speaking, how can I add value to your day?'

'My computer doesn't work.'

'Excellent... And you are?'

'Unable to do anything, because my computer isn't working.'

'Aha-ha-ha... Yes... Very good... But I meant what's your name?'

'My name is Mabel, I work in accounts.'

'Hello Mabel, OK, so what exactly is happening?'

'My password isn't working, when I type it in it says "Incorrect User Name or password"'

'And do you know your password?'

'Yes!'

'And what is it?'

'Ah... Well... We're not supposed to tell anyone our password are we?'

'Technically no, but you can tell me...'

'But you could be anyone, I don't know you.'

'Well, you did call the Helpdesk, and I answered - So you should have at least some idea of who I am, if you think about it... (I listen to a couple of minutes muffled chatting in the background about how many times Chris Packham used the word 'Tits' in the previous evening's Springwatch)... Hello? Are you still there?'

'Yes, someone asked me a question - Can you change it please?'

'No problem, just give me a second to log onto the server.'

'Will you be able to see what's on my computer?'

'When I log onto the server?  No, don't worry.  What's your User Name?'

'Mabel.'

'No, sorry, I mean the thing you type above your password when you log in.'

'I don't type anything in above my password - I don't know what you mean.'

(I force my head not to impact with the table)

'When you log on, there are two boxes, you type your User Name into the top one and your password into the bottom one... What does it say in the top one?'

'Username'

'No, actually in the box, I know that it says User Name to the left of the box, but what's actually IN the box?'

'It says Username, you just told me to type it in.'

'No I... Wait, What?'

'You said that I should type "Username" in the top box.'

(I take a second to bite myself repeatedly on the forearm - to check that I'm not having a nightmare)

'When you turn your computer on in the morning, what does it say in that box normally?'

'I can't remember - I don't usually have to type it in.'

'Fine, what's your surname?'

'Table.'

(I search on the server for someone with the surname Table, but can't find anyone)

'You're name's definitely... Mabel Table?'

'Yes?'

'Only, I can't find anyone with that name, are you new?'

'No, I've been here for ten years!'

'Have you recently got married?'

'Yes! It was lovely, we had cake and bunting and we released some doves that my Mum said were pigeons which was a scandal for how much she paid and had wine and a balloon animal bloke.'

'Sounds lovely... What was your name before you got married?'

'Unterbrook'

(I look down the list on the server and find Mabel Unterbrook, I reset her password and unlock her account, as she'd been trying random passwords and had locked it)

'I've changed the password for "munter01" to "Thursday01" - You'll need to change it the first time you log on.'

'What should I change it to?'

'Well, anything you like, but preferably something you'll remember.'

'Like what?'

'I don't really know, do you have a password for something like telephone banking?'

'Yes, it's "YellowHat"!'

'I didn't actually need to know that, but I guess you could use it, if you put a number on the end - There are rules: It has to be at least eight letters, it has to have a mix of upper and lower case letters, and it must contain a number.'

'Just let me write that down.'

'We suggest that you don't write down your password anywhere.'

'No, I was writing down the rules.'

'OK, did you want to try logging on?'

'So, I put "munter01" in the top box and my new password in the bottom one?'

'Yep.'

(A long wait and than sounds of furious tapping)

'It says Incorrect User Name or Password again.'

'Try it again for me please...'

'Nope, same thing.'

'What password are you using?'

'YellowHat1.'

'Why are you using that? I said I'd changed it to "Thursday01"'

'But you said I'd have to change it to "YellowHat1" the first time I logged in.'

'I... But... Erm... Look, just type "munter01" in the top box and "Thursday01" in the bottom one.'

(More furious tapping)

'Hey that's worked.  But it's asking me to change my password.'

'It will do, yes.'

'But you've just changed my password haven't you?'

'Enter "Thursday01" in the top box, "YellowHat1" in the middle box and confirm it in the bottom box.'

'It says my new passwords don't match.'

'Did you type your new password in both of the bottom two boxes?'

'No, I typed "YellowHat1" in the middle one and "Yes" in the bottom one.'

'Why did you do that exactly?'

'You told me to confirm my password, so I typed "Yes"'

-oOo-

It was shortly after that that she got moved to another department, well, I say department, actually she's inside one of the bridge supports of the M6 Toll Road - If you look carefully as you go past Brownhills, you'll see a particularly stupid looking pillar, that's her.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu.

Just looking through some old emails and found my 'Goodbye' letter to my previous colleagues.

(Please note, this was sent to friends within the company and not to anyone in the management team - I can do professionalism sometimes you know!)

Thought you lot might find it funny.

So, that was my last shift for the unstoppable global technological supergiant that is [My previous employer].

 

Cool.

 

It was quiet, but then you’d expect that I guess, with the first part of the Helpdesk transfer to India now being completed.

 

Firstly I’d like to say that on the whole, the past sixteen months or so (apart from anything involving actual work or being able to pay my bills of course) has been, at worst bearable and at best, uproariously funny.

 

The people I’ve worked with have been a mixed bag, mostly mad as badgers (But in a good way) a couple certifiably psychotic, and still fewer with their heads so far up their respective poop-chutes that it’s a wonder they don’t jump to another dimension every time they break wind.

 

OK, so this is the part where, traditionally, I should rail against all the injustices that I believe have been visited upon me without fear of retribution…

 

Well, here’s the turn-up for the books – I’m not going to. It’s pointless, we all know about the history of ill considered, knee jerk reactionary, short-sighted, parochial decisions that have been made on a more and more regular basis over the past six months or so. We’ve all received the same morale-sapping, draconian, divisive emails. And if any of us had cared enough for it really to have been a ‘showstopper’ as our colleagues over the pond might say, then we would have stood up and tried to do something about it or at least voted with our feet.

 

Instead, let’s remember some of the good times:

 

The night the drunken old guy got in and urinated down the stairs before the Police arrived.

 

The ghost of the cute little girl upstairs (Now I’m not sure that anyone who hasn’t worked the nightshift has ever experienced her) but you can often hear her running around up there in the early hours of the morning – And it’s quite an experience the first time you get woken up by her giggling or tugging on your shoe if you’ve fallen asleep on the sofas in reception during your break. (And as of last night we have two new believers).

 

The vending machines with the undocumented gamble feature – I don’t mean the gamble you take that there’s actually anything in the vending machine when you come on shift and the shops are closed (Same applying to tea, coffee and/or milk) – But the gamble when you put your money in and it either eats it then sits there looking at you with that ‘Come at me Bro’ expression on its readout, or the crisps (because it’s invariably crisps) get stuck against the glass and you spend your next 60p using another bag of crisps (bag price 49p) from the row above to try and knock them down.

 

So, time to sign off because I’m starting to bore myself, and I’ve got a lot longer attention span than most of you.

 

I’d just like to take this time to thank [My Manager] for doing the best job he could be expected to do with the tools he was allowed to use (and finally agreeing to put me out of everyone’s misery) and [The Customer Services Manager] for reminding me on several occasions of the importance of not indiscriminately murdering your workmates with a blunt instrument.

 

I’m not going to send everyone an individual ‘I liked you because..’ message, because I’d probably forget someone, and there’s the whole thinking of nice things to say about everyone issue, which most of you by now, will know that I’m not particularly good at.

 

Good luck to the Helpdesk team and Luke, I hope you make a go of your new positions within the group (P.S. Luke, my Dad – Who spent a lot of time in Germany after the War - advises using this formal, traditional German greeting every time you meet someone new “können Sie mir helfen? Ich habe meine Hoden in der Küche Schublade gefangen”)

 

It’s time for me to go now, but let me leave you with my one and only regret…

 

I only ever got to see one of you completely naked (and if that single, completely true statement, doesn’t put the rumour mill into overdrive, I don’t know what will)

 

Please feel free to keep in touch using the details below, connect to me on Facebook, use smoke-signals, carrier pigeons or an Ouija board – Whichever makes you happy.