A Rose by any other name...

...Would still prick you with its thorns.
(C) Joseph M. Monks 1989.

So, what's in a name Eh?

It's how you're known to the world at large isn't it? Your given name, the one your parents give you after you're born, the one you put on job applications, can be a bit of an albatross around your neck can't it? Especially if your parents don't really think far enough ahead.

I'm sure that there are hundreds of Richard Heads in the world and any number of Josephine Kings.  Hugot Jarses are hiding under every rug and Peter Files are skulking behind every twitching curtain.

Of course, being of the male persuasion (ostensibly at least) I don't have to suffer the indignity of having a new surname foist upon me when I marry (Unless someone suggests that hateful double-barreled shenanigens, and quite frankly, I wouldn't stand for it - Unless my Surname was Baycun and my bride-to-be's was Moore, then of course I'd insist upon it, as any right thinking Englishman would).  So miss Mabel Hoskins should never get entwined with Benjamin Cable for instance.  In fact, I have a good friend who managed to saddle his wife with a married name that I consider her a saint for managing to bear on a daily basis.  If you have read the James Josiah Flash Project (and if not, why not?) You may be aware of the occasional literary outpourings of a certain Mr Nathan Spong... He married a wonderful young lady whose first name just happened to be Victoria... Told you, she's a saint...

Then we have Nicknames, often given to us at school, often cruel and often stickier than a hot octopus made of glue flavoured toffee.

Now, I was quite lucky at school, my surname is one of those that lends itself easily to just having a 'Y' stuck on the end of it, in a sort of 'Smithy' or 'Jonesy' Stylee.  And, as kids are mostly lazy, I was called that for a number of years.  Then someone replaced the 'sey' with a 'bo' so I became 'Grimbo' for a time, which always struck me as a little derogatory for some reason... One of my more well-read chums had a go at changing it to 'Grimer Wormtongue', but thankfully, he wasn't particularly successful.  My school life wasn't great...

Is it any wonder that some of us give ourselves alternative names?  You might be suprised to find out that The Chimping Dandy is not what it says on my Birth Certificate (It say Alphonse McTavish Shandytrousers-Humpleton-Grainger for those who are interested, in red marker-pen, diagonally).  A lot of people have an alternative personality for the time they spend on the Internet (weirdos like us lot mostly) They can be used to advertise your aspirations, to hide your Internet mumblings from people who know you in real life, or just so that you can pretend to be someone you're not with more money, a better career, or more interestingly dimensioned genitalia.

This is not my first Nom-de-Net you know... For an awfully long time I was a chap called LowLevel, posting on various message boards and online games.  Believe it or not, even my nickname got a nickname.  I had a number of young ladies who called me 'Ellie' (and this was a long time before the whole Anakin Skywalker / Annie debacle) And a nice Spanish lady used to refer to me as 'Lowlevelito'

I got that particular name from an old Army Buddy, who commented once about me sitting in the corner at a party, quietly listening to everything going on, he accused me of 'Low-Level intelligence gathering', and it just sort of stuck.

Then, when I worked for a popular (but again, sadly defunct) Childrens' clothing retailer, I got nicknamed 'Vet' because I'd been doing the job a while, wore a manky combat jacket a large proportion of the time and used to sit in the office sharpening a buck-knife with my tongue and claiming to all and sundry that 'I ain't got time to bleed.'

There was also one girl at a place I worked at a REALLY long time ago that called me 'Master' but that wasn't strictly a work nickname... *cough*

Anywho, picking yourself a new name is an important business - It needs to say things about you, let people know what they're getting, give a feeling of the type of interaction people they can expect...

Therefore I've decided that the pen-name that I'm going to use for my upcoming book is...

Wait for it...

Mr. Kyle D'Thrust...

You know what you're getting from a man with the name Mr. Kyle D'Thrust...